The idea for this post came to me yesterday ...the pull to write was so strong yesterday..guess it was the energy of release urging me to write...and get it out of my system.
What a journey the last 6 months have been...not only because of the demise of my relationship with V...but also my the demise of all my past fears, relationships, self-doubts, and disappointments.
The week that I was so kindly dumped on my birthday, and the reason why is no longer clear and honestly no longer matters ....I couldn't take anymore. I had enough, enough with shitty people always coming into my life, destroying my self-worth, using me and then taking what they want or needed...and taking the high road. Tired of the same cycle repeating itself over and over. I thought, why?? I know I deserve better, I treat people with respect and I treat them how I would like to be treated...so why? Why does all this shitty stuff keep happening to me...finally, after all the years of reading endless amounts of self-help books, prayers, yoga, avoidance, suffering, placing the happiness of others before my own...I had my "ah" moment.
Now, everything makes sense, all the books, meditation, reactions, actions of others...fear, my emotional health and how it effects my physical health...my relationships with people family, friends and boyfriends...but most importantly...the one I have with myself.
In the last two weeks, I see the beauty in things that I wouldn't notice before, I smile at myself in the mirror, Christmas trees and Santa's make me laugh, my boss and co-worker no longer get under my skin, the sun shines for me...even when it is cloudy..:)
Before I would always say when someone would ask me if I want a relationship or if I want to get married, have a better job, better health, more happiness etc,etc ...I would always reply, " if it is meant to happen, it will happen." - not anymore, I know what I want, and I know how to get it...the more you think about what you want, what you really want, that energy gets put out there, and you will attract the right job, people, happiness, love, health and joy...because as I learned ...you are what you think...and I think...that I am a truly wonderful, beautiful, sexy, strong, loving and totally worthy person...to get everything I deserve and desire.
I am grateful for my past. I am grateful to have love and lost ...than not to have loved at all.
My new moto is: Been there, Done that, Moved On ...and Feel Great!
xoxo
BT&HB
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
What The Movie Moonstruck Taught Me About Real Self...
Nothing exposes the false self and reveals the true self like real love. This can be terrifyingly compelling. When I think about this, I think of the heart-string pulling scene from one of my favorite films- Moonstruck. Loretta falls in love with a man called Ronnie, who is the brother of her fiance`, Johnny. Ronnie is the archetype of the man awake to himself- in his body, in his sexuality, in his soul. When Loretta discovers Ronnie, he has a broken heart, and he doesn't attempt to hide his suffering in any way. Because Ronnie knows his true self, he sees clearly who Loretta really is.
" The past and the future is a joke to me now;
I see that they ain't here. I see that only thing
that is here is you.
Loretta. I love you.
Not like they told you love is.
Love don't make things nice
It ruins everything.
It breaks your heart.
It makes things a mess.
We aren't here to make things perfect.
The snowflakes are perfect, not us. The stars are perfect.
We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts- to love the wrong people and die.
The storybooks are bullshit."
If you haven't seen the film Moonstruck, buy, download it, rent it, watch it on youtube...either way, it is a lesson in courage, change and freeing yourself from storybooks and following the path of your true self - no ego, no expectations...just finding your one and only true love...yourself.
photo: dvdtalk.com
xoxo
BT&HB
" The past and the future is a joke to me now;
I see that they ain't here. I see that only thing
that is here is you.
Loretta. I love you.
Not like they told you love is.
Love don't make things nice
It ruins everything.
It breaks your heart.
It makes things a mess.
We aren't here to make things perfect.
The snowflakes are perfect, not us. The stars are perfect.
We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts- to love the wrong people and die.
The storybooks are bullshit."
If you haven't seen the film Moonstruck, buy, download it, rent it, watch it on youtube...either way, it is a lesson in courage, change and freeing yourself from storybooks and following the path of your true self - no ego, no expectations...just finding your one and only true love...yourself.
xoxo
BT&HB
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Love Is Power...Hate Is Not.
Last couple of weeks I have been filled with anger and hate...and some rage. Rage at the wrong people, hate for the right ones ...and anger towards myself.
When I feel like this, it physically makes me sick. I can't eat, I sleep though..like the dead, my hair gets dry and doesn't curl right, have no desire to do anything, not working out, work or even yoga sometimes ....nothing is helping me get past this stupid heart break. I stopped to ask myself why, why is it harder this time around, until this past weekend I didn't see..but now I do. It wasn't the break-up per say that hurt, that I totally understand and accept..but how V chose to break it off and how he treated me and how he treats me now...worst than a stranger or a whore...all the while, I did nothing but respect him, love him and give a shit about him...really, royally pissed me off. Why would someone who less than two weeks ago told you they loved you turn and treat you worst than an enemy?? Well, I call it the coward way out..and also RUDE!
I called him on this...cause we have been in contact, however this past weekend I couldn't take it anymore - so when he rudely answered my text ...I let him have it. Standing up for myself in that way, while this whole time I was sparing him the stress and cared about his "space", all the while he didn't give two shits about mine, so I turned the table..yup, answered right back and told him...from now on, I will treat you, just how you treat me...let's see if you like it. Example, by mistake I sent a text that was not meant for him to him...when I realized what I had done...I texted him and told him.." that was not meant for you, I noticed now who I sent it to." his response.." I figured that out G" ...my response, " too bad I didn't figure it out sooner when we were dating that some text you sent me, clearly weren't meant for me.." his response, " why are you being like this??" " Like what??" you don't like being treated and reminded that your a testa di cazzo? ( dickhead for my English friends). You would all be proud to know...i did not answer his question. I know, it is all game playing..but I am tried and he deserves it. Let him see how it feels not to get a response, let him wonder now if I give a shit...let him...grow the efff-up!
My good friend said to me today...some people are compassionate and nice, and they get the same in return, but for some people, God is like..." na, not for you, your going to have life lessons and learn from them.." What did I learn from this?? Well I learned....
* Believe them the first time
* Know your self worth and your more valuable than any thing else
* Being nice all the time, can sometimes work against you
* Love is power and hate is not ...
* I might be down right now....but I am not out.
All my life, the struggles have not been easy, but not hard either ...no matter what the lesson was or how many times I had to cry myself to sleep for not just heartbreak, but the lack of human compassion...I never, ever gave up ...or lost hope. I am my mother's daughter ...and her struggles alone...would bring even the strongest, most powerful man...to his knees.
xoxo
BT&HB
When I feel like this, it physically makes me sick. I can't eat, I sleep though..like the dead, my hair gets dry and doesn't curl right, have no desire to do anything, not working out, work or even yoga sometimes ....nothing is helping me get past this stupid heart break. I stopped to ask myself why, why is it harder this time around, until this past weekend I didn't see..but now I do. It wasn't the break-up per say that hurt, that I totally understand and accept..but how V chose to break it off and how he treated me and how he treats me now...worst than a stranger or a whore...all the while, I did nothing but respect him, love him and give a shit about him...really, royally pissed me off. Why would someone who less than two weeks ago told you they loved you turn and treat you worst than an enemy?? Well, I call it the coward way out..and also RUDE!
I called him on this...cause we have been in contact, however this past weekend I couldn't take it anymore - so when he rudely answered my text ...I let him have it. Standing up for myself in that way, while this whole time I was sparing him the stress and cared about his "space", all the while he didn't give two shits about mine, so I turned the table..yup, answered right back and told him...from now on, I will treat you, just how you treat me...let's see if you like it. Example, by mistake I sent a text that was not meant for him to him...when I realized what I had done...I texted him and told him.." that was not meant for you, I noticed now who I sent it to." his response.." I figured that out G" ...my response, " too bad I didn't figure it out sooner when we were dating that some text you sent me, clearly weren't meant for me.." his response, " why are you being like this??" " Like what??" you don't like being treated and reminded that your a testa di cazzo? ( dickhead for my English friends). You would all be proud to know...i did not answer his question. I know, it is all game playing..but I am tried and he deserves it. Let him see how it feels not to get a response, let him wonder now if I give a shit...let him...grow the efff-up!
My good friend said to me today...some people are compassionate and nice, and they get the same in return, but for some people, God is like..." na, not for you, your going to have life lessons and learn from them.." What did I learn from this?? Well I learned....
* Believe them the first time
* Know your self worth and your more valuable than any thing else
* Being nice all the time, can sometimes work against you
* Love is power and hate is not ...
* I might be down right now....but I am not out.
All my life, the struggles have not been easy, but not hard either ...no matter what the lesson was or how many times I had to cry myself to sleep for not just heartbreak, but the lack of human compassion...I never, ever gave up ...or lost hope. I am my mother's daughter ...and her struggles alone...would bring even the strongest, most powerful man...to his knees.
xoxo
BT&HB
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Believe Them The First Time.
" When someone shows you how they are, believe them the first time..."
My sister told me that she heard this on the Oprah show, and that day changed her life. That show was about relationships, not just romantic relationships, all types. The more I think about what she said, now more than ever it makes sense.
Do you believe when someone shows you their true colours but you talk yourself out of it? Has someone talked you out of it? I did both, and it pains me to say...my heart is broken and bleeding, I am angry, sad, hurt and utterly beside myself with pain, betrayed, let-down, played, and just so sad.....my head has been hurting for weeks. I talked myself out of the text messages during the wee hours of the morning, talked myself out of his increasing strange behaviour, talked myself out of why he had to hide his phone from me or move when I came close., why after 6 months did his facebook page still say single and he had yet to mention me on it..I let him talk me out of leaving him, not once, but three times, he talked me out of it by telling me there was nothing to worry about, I am the one that he wants and there was no one else, he talked me out of my doubts, by making it look like I was the one that was behaving doubtful...in the end, he left, he left me because he loved me and didn't want to hurt me....Bullshit! bullshit,bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It all came to head, because I am the first person to ever question his actions, and hold him accountable. I didn't like to be treated like an old fool, but the stuff that was said and the true reason he didn't want to hurt me, was because of his addiction...when he told me about his addiction, he cried like a little boy, years of holding it in and never telling anyone, and no one knows but yours truly...was just too much. At that moment, I could not judge him, or be angry, even though his confession sickened me right to my core...because we all have secrets, some more shocking than others. I sensed him wanting me to leave, and wanting me to stay at the same time. It turned out that he would prefer to continue his addiction instead of seeking help, instead of being with one person who actually gave a shit about him...but when you don't know what it is like...you feel like you don't deserve it.
I have cried, wasted a whole week torn and waiting ( yes, I waited) only to be told on my birthday...that he never had any intention of calling me ever again...adult males reading this ( and I mean anyone 27 and over) ...never do this! Give the woman respect as an adult, to tell her straight and to her face, I had an ex-boyfriend when I was 19 tell me that he will call me when he is ready...many, many years later...that call never came.
This put me down in the dumps. For awhile I was okay, then everything that V reveled to me just came flooding back...and made me sick and angry, angry at myself...for not believing him the first time.
I have done some stupid shit in my time, putting myself out there and believing people no matter what they say...but one thing for sure, even with all the failed dates, rejected phone calls, failed relationships, the weirdo's, the nice guys, the I love you, I want to build my life with you, false hope and dreams and desires ....I am never going to give up hope.
xoxo
BT&HB
My sister told me that she heard this on the Oprah show, and that day changed her life. That show was about relationships, not just romantic relationships, all types. The more I think about what she said, now more than ever it makes sense.
Do you believe when someone shows you their true colours but you talk yourself out of it? Has someone talked you out of it? I did both, and it pains me to say...my heart is broken and bleeding, I am angry, sad, hurt and utterly beside myself with pain, betrayed, let-down, played, and just so sad.....my head has been hurting for weeks. I talked myself out of the text messages during the wee hours of the morning, talked myself out of his increasing strange behaviour, talked myself out of why he had to hide his phone from me or move when I came close., why after 6 months did his facebook page still say single and he had yet to mention me on it..I let him talk me out of leaving him, not once, but three times, he talked me out of it by telling me there was nothing to worry about, I am the one that he wants and there was no one else, he talked me out of my doubts, by making it look like I was the one that was behaving doubtful...in the end, he left, he left me because he loved me and didn't want to hurt me....Bullshit! bullshit,bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It all came to head, because I am the first person to ever question his actions, and hold him accountable. I didn't like to be treated like an old fool, but the stuff that was said and the true reason he didn't want to hurt me, was because of his addiction...when he told me about his addiction, he cried like a little boy, years of holding it in and never telling anyone, and no one knows but yours truly...was just too much. At that moment, I could not judge him, or be angry, even though his confession sickened me right to my core...because we all have secrets, some more shocking than others. I sensed him wanting me to leave, and wanting me to stay at the same time. It turned out that he would prefer to continue his addiction instead of seeking help, instead of being with one person who actually gave a shit about him...but when you don't know what it is like...you feel like you don't deserve it.
I have cried, wasted a whole week torn and waiting ( yes, I waited) only to be told on my birthday...that he never had any intention of calling me ever again...adult males reading this ( and I mean anyone 27 and over) ...never do this! Give the woman respect as an adult, to tell her straight and to her face, I had an ex-boyfriend when I was 19 tell me that he will call me when he is ready...many, many years later...that call never came.
This put me down in the dumps. For awhile I was okay, then everything that V reveled to me just came flooding back...and made me sick and angry, angry at myself...for not believing him the first time.
I have done some stupid shit in my time, putting myself out there and believing people no matter what they say...but one thing for sure, even with all the failed dates, rejected phone calls, failed relationships, the weirdo's, the nice guys, the I love you, I want to build my life with you, false hope and dreams and desires ....I am never going to give up hope.
xoxo
BT&HB
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The Truth Will Set You Free...
Twice this weekend I was reminded of "the truth setting you free", once it was on the bench behind the judge in the movie Real Steel ( awesome movie by the way and Hugh Jackman..five alarm fire), second on a show on tv, a man asked his boss, "which truth should I tell? , she replied, " the one that sets you free".
What does this mean to you? I know what the truth is for me right at this second, the truth is; I am hurt, angry, sad, sick, on the verge of tears, lost, stuck, not happy and totally pissed off at myself for feeling these things. I have to tell the truth, and the truth needs to be said to the following people:
My boss - get off your horse and remember that you once sat in my chair, and someone cut you some slack, so stop trying to put me down so I don't take your job, cause you know I can do it just a good as you, if not better.
My co-worker - You have a cold, cry me a river, not the end of the world and your acting like a over grown child. I wonder why anyone who sits in her chair and their have been four people in that job the last 4 years I have been in the department...watch, tomorrow she ain't gonna show.
V - Your actions speak louder than your words, and they hurt, they hurt a lot, I don't even have words for how I feel except, you need to choose, and mean it , prove it, and own up to it...you are what you are, but I can't be part of your life if you continue and it is not fair you dragged me into this, and tell me you love me and want to spend your life with me, it's a no brainer...sorry my friend, time to grow up and man up.
For everyone who thinks they know what is best for me and what I should "do". I can't help who I am, and who I love and what I love to do, so thanks for your two cents...but fleck off, and keep your nasty comments and garbage to yourself..I don't need it
Telling the truth set me free before, there are so many things that I want to say to my boss, to V to the nasty girl at the gym, but the truth I need to tell it first to...is myself, because once I admit the truth and see everything for what it is, no smoke screen, no rose coloured glasses and no "I love you"...cause that doesn't make everything alright and okay, it will set me free .
Which truth will set me free? The truth that, I love and love deeply, I work hard, and never give up, I can do it no matter what, I look only forward, regret nothing, and tell the truth....always.
xoxo
BT&HB
What does this mean to you? I know what the truth is for me right at this second, the truth is; I am hurt, angry, sad, sick, on the verge of tears, lost, stuck, not happy and totally pissed off at myself for feeling these things. I have to tell the truth, and the truth needs to be said to the following people:
My boss - get off your horse and remember that you once sat in my chair, and someone cut you some slack, so stop trying to put me down so I don't take your job, cause you know I can do it just a good as you, if not better.
My co-worker - You have a cold, cry me a river, not the end of the world and your acting like a over grown child. I wonder why anyone who sits in her chair and their have been four people in that job the last 4 years I have been in the department...watch, tomorrow she ain't gonna show.
V - Your actions speak louder than your words, and they hurt, they hurt a lot, I don't even have words for how I feel except, you need to choose, and mean it , prove it, and own up to it...you are what you are, but I can't be part of your life if you continue and it is not fair you dragged me into this, and tell me you love me and want to spend your life with me, it's a no brainer...sorry my friend, time to grow up and man up.
For everyone who thinks they know what is best for me and what I should "do". I can't help who I am, and who I love and what I love to do, so thanks for your two cents...but fleck off, and keep your nasty comments and garbage to yourself..I don't need it
Telling the truth set me free before, there are so many things that I want to say to my boss, to V to the nasty girl at the gym, but the truth I need to tell it first to...is myself, because once I admit the truth and see everything for what it is, no smoke screen, no rose coloured glasses and no "I love you"...cause that doesn't make everything alright and okay, it will set me free .
Which truth will set me free? The truth that, I love and love deeply, I work hard, and never give up, I can do it no matter what, I look only forward, regret nothing, and tell the truth....always.
xoxo
BT&HB
Monday, October 10, 2011
What I Am Thankful For ....
I am thankful for:
- My family, no matter how loud, crazy, annoying or just bizarre, I am honoured to be part of my big crazy Italian family
- My health, which is a blessing that I thank God for every morning.
- Yoga, and Melissa...the teacher appeared when the student was ready...thank you and Namaste.
- My job ( even though many would not think to be thankful for that) I am, because it gives me a insight into how the other side lives and income that I am grateful for.
- My friends, all of you bring something special and beautiful in my life...special thanks to Sabrina and my extended family in Florence..ti amo.
-My never ending faith in God and that I never walk alone.
- Music, sometimes the songs of a beautiful voice just brings me to tears, and grateful to be able to hear the words.
-Praying and meditation - praying is asking, meditation is getting the answers.
- My work outs ...brings me peace and power...
-V's family, just for welcoming me with open arms and always making me feel part of the family and including me in everything , special thanks to his Mom...she is such an inspiration.
- For V ...for all our ups and downs, on this crazy ride we are on...showing me that nothing is more important to him than my happiness, and I just hope that he knows nothing is more important to me that his happiness. Amore ti amo tanto, tanto.
Thanksgiving shouldn't just be thought of once a year, we should give thanks everyday, no matter what is going on in our lives and how bad today was...there is always tomorrow, a gift that many people don't have. So I leave you with this thought..
Give thanks for what you are today, and keeping fighting for what you want to be tomorrow. Love today like there is no tomorrow and never let a person leave without them knowing, that you thankful to have them in your life.
xoxo
BT&HB
- My family, no matter how loud, crazy, annoying or just bizarre, I am honoured to be part of my big crazy Italian family
- My health, which is a blessing that I thank God for every morning.
- Yoga, and Melissa...the teacher appeared when the student was ready...thank you and Namaste.
- My job ( even though many would not think to be thankful for that) I am, because it gives me a insight into how the other side lives and income that I am grateful for.
- My friends, all of you bring something special and beautiful in my life...special thanks to Sabrina and my extended family in Florence..ti amo.
-My never ending faith in God and that I never walk alone.
- Music, sometimes the songs of a beautiful voice just brings me to tears, and grateful to be able to hear the words.
-Praying and meditation - praying is asking, meditation is getting the answers.
- My work outs ...brings me peace and power...
-V's family, just for welcoming me with open arms and always making me feel part of the family and including me in everything , special thanks to his Mom...she is such an inspiration.
- For V ...for all our ups and downs, on this crazy ride we are on...showing me that nothing is more important to him than my happiness, and I just hope that he knows nothing is more important to me that his happiness. Amore ti amo tanto, tanto.
Thanksgiving shouldn't just be thought of once a year, we should give thanks everyday, no matter what is going on in our lives and how bad today was...there is always tomorrow, a gift that many people don't have. So I leave you with this thought..
Give thanks for what you are today, and keeping fighting for what you want to be tomorrow. Love today like there is no tomorrow and never let a person leave without them knowing, that you thankful to have them in your life.
xoxo
BT&HB
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Anger...The Energy Robber
What makes you angry? Petty things such as someone cutting you off while driving? Your boss being a testa di cazzo ( translated as dickhead), losing something, being insulted ...or do you just live and breath anger??
I pondered this question this morning...I have to admit, I get angry, but it takes a lot to really make me explode and never speak or see the person again ( unless it is the above mentioned testa di cazzo)...I was meditating and I have been feeling for months like I am stuck. Stuck meaning not moving forward, falling back into the same old habits that didn't work for me the first time around, not enjoying anything or any one's company. So I took a long hard look at myself today, and asked...."what is it??" "why am I constantly struggling to do and achieve?" the answer came back as..." your extremely pissed off".
Wow...don't know where that came from, since I consider myself easy going and a calm person, one is happy and thankful...but pissed off? I considered this internal insight, and my soul is right...I am pissed off. Pissed off that I try hard everyday to be a good person, pissed because it seems like no matter how much good I put out, or respect I give people or how much I love ....I get the short end of the stick. Bullshit really, but there is truth in anger.
Being angry robs you of moving forward with your life. It keeps all the energy you have stuck in your solar plexus, energy that can be used for better use. I know that the process of releasing my anger is not going to heal overnight, but I am excited about letting it go, feeling it and own it...then releasing it once an for all. I know in my heart that a lot of what I do daily that is "not" good for me, from negative thoughts, to silently wishing my bosses ass would get bigger with every beer she drinks, to wanting to scream at everyone..." shut the efff up...I am a person with feelings and I bleed, just like you do." Part of it is my fault, I have always been the strong one, the good girl, the go-to when you need something done and done fast...I never gave myself the chance to allow someone else to do something for me...for once, I wish someone who do something for me..without me having to tell them.
I am forever grateful to those in my life who have done things for me with out me asking...my parents, my sister and brothers, my best friend Sabrina ( shout out to you Sabby), all my friends ( you know who you are)...and for God up in heaven who has always protected me and guided me on this journey of life.
I wonder, what would life be like if everyone was happy? If we all blessed each other with love, lent a helping hand, shared and smiled at everyone just because it felt good to? I wonder how many marriages would be saved, how many kid's would enjoy their childhood, how many people would be spared pain, hurt, lost, and sickness. Our bodies hold the key to a happy life, sometimes...your stomach isn't making nosies because your hungry, it is making a plead to you to help release the devil inside.
xoxo
BT&HB
I pondered this question this morning...I have to admit, I get angry, but it takes a lot to really make me explode and never speak or see the person again ( unless it is the above mentioned testa di cazzo)...I was meditating and I have been feeling for months like I am stuck. Stuck meaning not moving forward, falling back into the same old habits that didn't work for me the first time around, not enjoying anything or any one's company. So I took a long hard look at myself today, and asked...."what is it??" "why am I constantly struggling to do and achieve?" the answer came back as..." your extremely pissed off".
Wow...don't know where that came from, since I consider myself easy going and a calm person, one is happy and thankful...but pissed off? I considered this internal insight, and my soul is right...I am pissed off. Pissed off that I try hard everyday to be a good person, pissed because it seems like no matter how much good I put out, or respect I give people or how much I love ....I get the short end of the stick. Bullshit really, but there is truth in anger.
Being angry robs you of moving forward with your life. It keeps all the energy you have stuck in your solar plexus, energy that can be used for better use. I know that the process of releasing my anger is not going to heal overnight, but I am excited about letting it go, feeling it and own it...then releasing it once an for all. I know in my heart that a lot of what I do daily that is "not" good for me, from negative thoughts, to silently wishing my bosses ass would get bigger with every beer she drinks, to wanting to scream at everyone..." shut the efff up...I am a person with feelings and I bleed, just like you do." Part of it is my fault, I have always been the strong one, the good girl, the go-to when you need something done and done fast...I never gave myself the chance to allow someone else to do something for me...for once, I wish someone who do something for me..without me having to tell them.
I am forever grateful to those in my life who have done things for me with out me asking...my parents, my sister and brothers, my best friend Sabrina ( shout out to you Sabby), all my friends ( you know who you are)...and for God up in heaven who has always protected me and guided me on this journey of life.
I wonder, what would life be like if everyone was happy? If we all blessed each other with love, lent a helping hand, shared and smiled at everyone just because it felt good to? I wonder how many marriages would be saved, how many kid's would enjoy their childhood, how many people would be spared pain, hurt, lost, and sickness. Our bodies hold the key to a happy life, sometimes...your stomach isn't making nosies because your hungry, it is making a plead to you to help release the devil inside.
xoxo
BT&HB
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Crossing The Line...
"The worst thing about crossing a line...is when you don't know you already have."
All of us have crossed lines, pushed boundaries, suffered, triumphed and prospered. But how do you know you have crossed a line with someone in your life? It could be your boss, a family member, boyfriend, friend, associate or a total stranger for that matter. How do you know that you have stepped on their boundary line??? You don't often times, just as my quote above states...you have, you just don't know it.
Crossing a line could mean many things, sometimes we say things to friends that will sucker punch them and we carry on without knowing, while they will go on to complain to anyone who would listen about what a thoughtless person you are and how could you do something like that. It has happened to me many times, I have gone through enough, and have always been supportive and a good listener for anyone who needs it. But what about me? Why must I still suffer people stepping across my line and feel that they know what is best for me and my life?? My boss is a good example of this. She is a good person at times, and then other times, it is almost as if she has a bipolar personality...she will take what I say in defence of myself...and make me feel like I have made a big deal out of nothing at all...and not to take things personal. I am sorry, but if you attack my lifestyle, my personal beliefs and how I choose to go about my life...should you not take it personally and look at it as either envy or her short comings?? I have thought about this, and as much as I have always tried to do good towards others....she just stepped across my line and pushed all of my buttons!
I was ready to tell her, enough...when I talk to her...she tells me that I never shut it, when I choose not to say anything at all...she will ask me what is wrong. I had no idea that my mood or state of mind ( which ever state that is) ...is the blood line of my department. I am tired to be honest with you...tired of putting paper in the printer, tired of trying to help her and my co-worker only to have them say that I bring it upon myself and don't need to do the things I do. Having my boss tell me on Friday just as I was leaving for the first full week I have had off all year...." you have an awesome week...I am going to get so much done with you not here, and in peace and quite .." really??? GFYS ...that is rude beyond rude...that is why I took all the paper out of the printer and the packages of extra back to the stock room- childish, but they deserve it.
How do I tell her she crossed the line with me? I am a Scorpio, there is no grey with me...either I like you or I don't I am guarded and protect my personal life from bloodsuckers ...but when your with someone more than your with your own family...it is kind of hard not to take things personal. I am proud of all that I have accomplished, and there is much more that I am working on...so, to her and to everyone out there I leave you with this thought:
" be kind to one another, think about how it would feel to be on the other end of the sword, you reap what you sow, what goes around comes around, love as if today is your last...and watch where you step."
xoxo
BT&HB
All of us have crossed lines, pushed boundaries, suffered, triumphed and prospered. But how do you know you have crossed a line with someone in your life? It could be your boss, a family member, boyfriend, friend, associate or a total stranger for that matter. How do you know that you have stepped on their boundary line??? You don't often times, just as my quote above states...you have, you just don't know it.
Crossing a line could mean many things, sometimes we say things to friends that will sucker punch them and we carry on without knowing, while they will go on to complain to anyone who would listen about what a thoughtless person you are and how could you do something like that. It has happened to me many times, I have gone through enough, and have always been supportive and a good listener for anyone who needs it. But what about me? Why must I still suffer people stepping across my line and feel that they know what is best for me and my life?? My boss is a good example of this. She is a good person at times, and then other times, it is almost as if she has a bipolar personality...she will take what I say in defence of myself...and make me feel like I have made a big deal out of nothing at all...and not to take things personal. I am sorry, but if you attack my lifestyle, my personal beliefs and how I choose to go about my life...should you not take it personally and look at it as either envy or her short comings?? I have thought about this, and as much as I have always tried to do good towards others....she just stepped across my line and pushed all of my buttons!
I was ready to tell her, enough...when I talk to her...she tells me that I never shut it, when I choose not to say anything at all...she will ask me what is wrong. I had no idea that my mood or state of mind ( which ever state that is) ...is the blood line of my department. I am tired to be honest with you...tired of putting paper in the printer, tired of trying to help her and my co-worker only to have them say that I bring it upon myself and don't need to do the things I do. Having my boss tell me on Friday just as I was leaving for the first full week I have had off all year...." you have an awesome week...I am going to get so much done with you not here, and in peace and quite .." really??? GFYS ...that is rude beyond rude...that is why I took all the paper out of the printer and the packages of extra back to the stock room- childish, but they deserve it.
How do I tell her she crossed the line with me? I am a Scorpio, there is no grey with me...either I like you or I don't I am guarded and protect my personal life from bloodsuckers ...but when your with someone more than your with your own family...it is kind of hard not to take things personal. I am proud of all that I have accomplished, and there is much more that I am working on...so, to her and to everyone out there I leave you with this thought:
" be kind to one another, think about how it would feel to be on the other end of the sword, you reap what you sow, what goes around comes around, love as if today is your last...and watch where you step."
xoxo
BT&HB
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Love...Actually
"When you love you should not say, 'God is in my heart', but rather, 'I am in the heart of God'. And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course." from the book, "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran
After a very pleasant weekend, with some confusion and frustration on my part...the three words, eight letters were spoken by V and I. There was no fireworks, roses, candle light or heroic rescue or any other bullshit the media feeds us...it was just me and V, two drinks from Starbucks and a brownie between us sitting in the cab of his truck.
I was ready to tell him that I no longer wanted to see him, that I couldn't handle somethings that just bothered the fuck out of me ( excuse my language...I just can't sugar coat it). I told him firmly and softly that I needed his undivided attention and that it was important. We met and I spilled it..everything, from how he is always tired, the constant text message from his "friends" that are girls..the fact that he totally ignores me when he gets them, and carries on the conversations without even thinking that I am sitting right there while the time we have together is ticking away while he talks to these people, girls or guys...and most importantly, how I felt like a fool, an old fool...for sitting there with all this love in my heart for him..while it felt like I was getting sucker punched by him...instead of love.
His eyes weren't happy when I told him that I cried the whole way home on Sunday night, or how everything looks when he does what he does, and how it hurts that he would rather share things with these friends instead of me. I told him, I don't know about your past and it doesn't matter, but if you want me to be a part of your future, you have to make me understand, you have to explain this all to me. He took my face in his hands and said that there is no one else and it is only me. The thing that he loves about me is my voice..it grabbed hold of him the first moment he heard it and he has been wanting to tell me he loves me for awhile now, but every time I would show up...he would take one look at me and in his words..." just get all retarded and clam up..you render me mute amore.." I know, your all thinking of course he is going to say he loves you, cause you just gave him shit...not true, he said those words to me after I gave him shit, and to be honest, if he was an ass wipe, would be easy for him to shut me down right there and then and tell me he doesn't care.
I learned a lot last night, about myself and about V. I learned that we were both scared, and that everything is not what it seems, that guys have wounds just like girls..and that if you talk things through instead of ignoring them or running, love will find you worthy and directs your course. Love found us both worthy...and has set us upon our course....together.
Photo from: Dreamstime.com
xoxo
BT&HB
After a very pleasant weekend, with some confusion and frustration on my part...the three words, eight letters were spoken by V and I. There was no fireworks, roses, candle light or heroic rescue or any other bullshit the media feeds us...it was just me and V, two drinks from Starbucks and a brownie between us sitting in the cab of his truck.
I was ready to tell him that I no longer wanted to see him, that I couldn't handle somethings that just bothered the fuck out of me ( excuse my language...I just can't sugar coat it). I told him firmly and softly that I needed his undivided attention and that it was important. We met and I spilled it..everything, from how he is always tired, the constant text message from his "friends" that are girls..the fact that he totally ignores me when he gets them, and carries on the conversations without even thinking that I am sitting right there while the time we have together is ticking away while he talks to these people, girls or guys...and most importantly, how I felt like a fool, an old fool...for sitting there with all this love in my heart for him..while it felt like I was getting sucker punched by him...instead of love.
His eyes weren't happy when I told him that I cried the whole way home on Sunday night, or how everything looks when he does what he does, and how it hurts that he would rather share things with these friends instead of me. I told him, I don't know about your past and it doesn't matter, but if you want me to be a part of your future, you have to make me understand, you have to explain this all to me. He took my face in his hands and said that there is no one else and it is only me. The thing that he loves about me is my voice..it grabbed hold of him the first moment he heard it and he has been wanting to tell me he loves me for awhile now, but every time I would show up...he would take one look at me and in his words..." just get all retarded and clam up..you render me mute amore.." I know, your all thinking of course he is going to say he loves you, cause you just gave him shit...not true, he said those words to me after I gave him shit, and to be honest, if he was an ass wipe, would be easy for him to shut me down right there and then and tell me he doesn't care.
I learned a lot last night, about myself and about V. I learned that we were both scared, and that everything is not what it seems, that guys have wounds just like girls..and that if you talk things through instead of ignoring them or running, love will find you worthy and directs your course. Love found us both worthy...and has set us upon our course....together.
xoxo
BT&HB
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Finding The Key...That Fits Your Lock.
"There are millions of men and women, and each one is unique. Some will make a good match for you, and some won't make a good match at all. You can love everyone; but to deal with a person on an everyday basis, you will need someone more closely aligned to you. That person doesn't need to be exactly like you; the two of you only need to be like a key in the lock - a match that works." from the book, The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz
Interesting don't you think? I am almost done this wonderful book on the art of relationships, and have come away with so much. In my last post, I was all ready to open my heart to V...but when the time came, the moment wasn't right...but the feelings are there, for both of us, sometimes the unspoken is louder than the spoken. I will let you know when the "three words, eight letters" are spoken that you can be sure of.
What does it mean to find the key that fits your lock? Not the key to your heart, because your heart should always be open,because you should love yourself more than anything...because that enables you to love others. The heart should not be locked, no matter how many times it has been broken, or mended...the more open you are, the more love you will receive.
I know what I want and I know myself and what I value and I am able to take care of my half of any relationship I have, be it as a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, cousin, girlfriend etc...because I am not looking for someone to save me, work out my problems, do things for me that I can do for myself..I am looking for someone to love me, just the way that I am. When you love someone like that, and not want to change them...that is finding the key to your lock. Fitting together like a key and lock, is knowing when to give space, letting the other person be alone or quite when they need to be, even if your full of happiness, holding them or just being there, rocking back and forth on a swing holding hands...just to let them feel you close to them...until their happiness returns.
I know that in our moments of weakness we become empowered, in moments of darkness, the light appears, in moments of sadness, happiness shines through the light of your love ones eyes...and in a moment when your not looking...the key for your lock...appears.
Everyday, V and I talk about how are days at work or in general were, everyday, I see has much as we are different, we are the same, I respect him, he respects me...I don't have a need to know where he is every second of the day, or be with him every single day...and nor does he with me...because we know that if we do see each other everyday, it is because we are happy and we do it because we want to ...not because we feel we have too.
Last night I shared the opening quote with V ....as he had his arms around me, I said.." your the key for my lock.." he looked and me, smiled and said..." you have that wrong Amore...you are the lock for my key..."
xoxo
BT&HB
Interesting don't you think? I am almost done this wonderful book on the art of relationships, and have come away with so much. In my last post, I was all ready to open my heart to V...but when the time came, the moment wasn't right...but the feelings are there, for both of us, sometimes the unspoken is louder than the spoken. I will let you know when the "three words, eight letters" are spoken that you can be sure of.
What does it mean to find the key that fits your lock? Not the key to your heart, because your heart should always be open,because you should love yourself more than anything...because that enables you to love others. The heart should not be locked, no matter how many times it has been broken, or mended...the more open you are, the more love you will receive.
I know what I want and I know myself and what I value and I am able to take care of my half of any relationship I have, be it as a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, cousin, girlfriend etc...because I am not looking for someone to save me, work out my problems, do things for me that I can do for myself..I am looking for someone to love me, just the way that I am. When you love someone like that, and not want to change them...that is finding the key to your lock. Fitting together like a key and lock, is knowing when to give space, letting the other person be alone or quite when they need to be, even if your full of happiness, holding them or just being there, rocking back and forth on a swing holding hands...just to let them feel you close to them...until their happiness returns.
I know that in our moments of weakness we become empowered, in moments of darkness, the light appears, in moments of sadness, happiness shines through the light of your love ones eyes...and in a moment when your not looking...the key for your lock...appears.
Everyday, V and I talk about how are days at work or in general were, everyday, I see has much as we are different, we are the same, I respect him, he respects me...I don't have a need to know where he is every second of the day, or be with him every single day...and nor does he with me...because we know that if we do see each other everyday, it is because we are happy and we do it because we want to ...not because we feel we have too.
Last night I shared the opening quote with V ....as he had his arms around me, I said.." your the key for my lock.." he looked and me, smiled and said..." you have that wrong Amore...you are the lock for my key..."
xoxo
BT&HB
Friday, June 10, 2011
Should You...Or Shouldn't You???
Okay..I am going to admit it...I am in love with V ...straight up. I have no other words for it..and I want so badly to say it to him...I like you a lot or I care about you...just isn't doing it for me anymore..I don't know why...maybe because I know he is the one...or am I dreaming he feels the same way and doesn't??? What to do?
I have always been a person to do what I wanted, never followed the rules of society, did what I wanted, when I wanted,learned from my own mistakes etc,etc. So why am I torn?? I have been asking around to people who are either married or in a long term relationship how they knew that their boyfriends or husbands were the ones ...they all said the same thing..." I just knew..". I was told by so many people when I first started dating V..." don't tell him you love him first, let him tell you.." if you do it gives him too much confidence ...huh? Not for anything, but I think there is nothing more confident in a person than them being able to bare their souls to someone and tell them how they feel. What if they don't feel the same? Have you made a fool of yourself? are you shamed because now they know you love them and they don't love you?? Don't think so, I think that you become empowered, empowered because you know yourself, you know your heart and you know what you want. Maybe that person is a stepping stone..maybe you had to love something about them to be able to love someone else better, who knows, but I think is it pure bullshit to wait for the man to say it first ...truly I do.
I know in my last post I told you all what happen when I told my ex that I loved him..so you think I would have learned from my own mistake, the truth is...V is not my ex, no one is like your ex, just like the same things won't happen again...why, because I know who I am, I love myself and I am free, free of shame, guilt, fear and rejection...because I know that if V doesn't feel the same about me...my time would have been wasted waiting for him to say so. What if he gets freaked out by it?? Well then, he is not a grown man then is he? I don't think we give guys enough credit for feeling as deeply as we women do. They have the same hang-ups that us girls have, and it takes a lot of guts and balls to open your heart and tell someone you love them, because loving them means you love yourself.
I am going to take the plunge ...call me a fool, call it too soon...I call it days wasted, days gone that I haven't said I love him or worst, years down the road finding out that they never really loved you..but cared about you, and all because your not suppose to tell the guy you love him? I have learned from my past mistakes, and as my relationship with V grows day by day...I learn that my mistakes and past relationships were my own.
V stands 13 inches shorter than my ex, but is a million times taller as a man...and that is worth opening my soul for.
Wish me luck ...even though I know I have cupid on my side, since her aim was dead on!
xoxo
BT&HB
I have always been a person to do what I wanted, never followed the rules of society, did what I wanted, when I wanted,learned from my own mistakes etc,etc. So why am I torn?? I have been asking around to people who are either married or in a long term relationship how they knew that their boyfriends or husbands were the ones ...they all said the same thing..." I just knew..". I was told by so many people when I first started dating V..." don't tell him you love him first, let him tell you.." if you do it gives him too much confidence ...huh? Not for anything, but I think there is nothing more confident in a person than them being able to bare their souls to someone and tell them how they feel. What if they don't feel the same? Have you made a fool of yourself? are you shamed because now they know you love them and they don't love you?? Don't think so, I think that you become empowered, empowered because you know yourself, you know your heart and you know what you want. Maybe that person is a stepping stone..maybe you had to love something about them to be able to love someone else better, who knows, but I think is it pure bullshit to wait for the man to say it first ...truly I do.
I know in my last post I told you all what happen when I told my ex that I loved him..so you think I would have learned from my own mistake, the truth is...V is not my ex, no one is like your ex, just like the same things won't happen again...why, because I know who I am, I love myself and I am free, free of shame, guilt, fear and rejection...because I know that if V doesn't feel the same about me...my time would have been wasted waiting for him to say so. What if he gets freaked out by it?? Well then, he is not a grown man then is he? I don't think we give guys enough credit for feeling as deeply as we women do. They have the same hang-ups that us girls have, and it takes a lot of guts and balls to open your heart and tell someone you love them, because loving them means you love yourself.
I am going to take the plunge ...call me a fool, call it too soon...I call it days wasted, days gone that I haven't said I love him or worst, years down the road finding out that they never really loved you..but cared about you, and all because your not suppose to tell the guy you love him? I have learned from my past mistakes, and as my relationship with V grows day by day...I learn that my mistakes and past relationships were my own.
V stands 13 inches shorter than my ex, but is a million times taller as a man...and that is worth opening my soul for.
photo from mechtild.livejournal.com
xoxo
BT&HB
Friday, June 3, 2011
Love Is Not Suppose To Be Hard...
I tell everyone this. All of my friends, co-workers, boyfriends, family...strangers, everyone. Why? Because it shouldn't be.
I have to admit, I thought I was in love with my ex-boyfriend...I see now, that I had a need for love, because I didn't love myself. I thought that what he gave me was love..it wasn't, far from it. I actually was shocked when I did tell him that I loved him ( after many months of dating) his response, "what is love??" mind you, I did tell him that he didn't have to answer...but still, he said he liked me - are you serious? That blows, really blows.
Many of us struggle within our relationships, we try to be the person that our beloved wants us to be, we talk, map out a strategy on how to impress, keep, get back, fight for...but for what? When your with someone, a relationship takes work, but loving someone shouldn't..plain and simple. I witnessed this in it's truest form with my dear friends in Florence, Italy. L and S are a couple that shows the beauty of love and being in love and there for the other...you truly can overcome anything. When I was visiting , L ( my friend's husband), would look at S with pure love and enchantment ...and she would return the same look. They had their struggles and hard times, but their love is easy, beautiful and based on pure intentions, honesty, faith, trust and most of all respect. It takes two people like them to show someone like me, that there is good and great love out there for everyone.
While I was visiting them a couple of years ago...they use to say to each other ..." oh, amore mio.." I was like, " oh, people please .." and we would all laugh. V called me amore a couple of weeks ago ...for as much as he is sometimes so quite ( where I am the loud one...he told me the two things that he liked best about me when we met, was my hair, and my voice...my voice stirred him the first time he heard it...even before he laid eyes on me..) - who says that?
V told me a bit about his ex, how he wanted to be a policeman to get her back..I know how that is wanting to do anything to get the person you felt was your true love back. He came to realize himself , two weeks before writing the exam, that he was doing it for the wrong reason. I told him.." I understand what your saying...because I have done the same...but the ones that we have to fight to get back or keep, are the ones that are not worth fighting for..". I then asked him if he is happy where he is in his life right now, his response was quick.." very happy, and happy to have you in my life..".
I use to watch L look at my friend S ...and didn't understand how a man could look at a woman that way...but now I do, because it is the same look that I see, when V looks at me.
S and L...thank you for being my inspiration for this post ...you both mean the world to me..and I hope that one day, my love and V's will be half as beautiful as yours....ti amo.
xoxo
BT&HB
I have to admit, I thought I was in love with my ex-boyfriend...I see now, that I had a need for love, because I didn't love myself. I thought that what he gave me was love..it wasn't, far from it. I actually was shocked when I did tell him that I loved him ( after many months of dating) his response, "what is love??" mind you, I did tell him that he didn't have to answer...but still, he said he liked me - are you serious? That blows, really blows.
Many of us struggle within our relationships, we try to be the person that our beloved wants us to be, we talk, map out a strategy on how to impress, keep, get back, fight for...but for what? When your with someone, a relationship takes work, but loving someone shouldn't..plain and simple. I witnessed this in it's truest form with my dear friends in Florence, Italy. L and S are a couple that shows the beauty of love and being in love and there for the other...you truly can overcome anything. When I was visiting , L ( my friend's husband), would look at S with pure love and enchantment ...and she would return the same look. They had their struggles and hard times, but their love is easy, beautiful and based on pure intentions, honesty, faith, trust and most of all respect. It takes two people like them to show someone like me, that there is good and great love out there for everyone.
While I was visiting them a couple of years ago...they use to say to each other ..." oh, amore mio.." I was like, " oh, people please .." and we would all laugh. V called me amore a couple of weeks ago ...for as much as he is sometimes so quite ( where I am the loud one...he told me the two things that he liked best about me when we met, was my hair, and my voice...my voice stirred him the first time he heard it...even before he laid eyes on me..) - who says that?
V told me a bit about his ex, how he wanted to be a policeman to get her back..I know how that is wanting to do anything to get the person you felt was your true love back. He came to realize himself , two weeks before writing the exam, that he was doing it for the wrong reason. I told him.." I understand what your saying...because I have done the same...but the ones that we have to fight to get back or keep, are the ones that are not worth fighting for..". I then asked him if he is happy where he is in his life right now, his response was quick.." very happy, and happy to have you in my life..".
I use to watch L look at my friend S ...and didn't understand how a man could look at a woman that way...but now I do, because it is the same look that I see, when V looks at me.
S and L...thank you for being my inspiration for this post ...you both mean the world to me..and I hope that one day, my love and V's will be half as beautiful as yours....ti amo.
xoxo
BT&HB
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Are You Ever Free of Past Mistakes?
Good question don't you think? As always post idea came to me after I had a conversation with two people who are very dear and close to me today. Are we ever freed from our mistakes of the past?? I think to a point, yes, however...sometimes your not allowed to forget.
I know that I have made mistakes in the past, I have caused my family constant disappointment and worry and I have screwed up more times than I would like to admit...but the mistakes and problems were mine and mine alone...I never blamed anyone for how my life turned out or what happen to me. I learned on my road of knowing myself...that I created the problems, that I was to blame for how I chose not to see what everyone else saw. It took me a long time to reach the point I am at right now. I am not going to let anyone stand in the way of my happiness...I deserve to be happy, and happy with how my life is I am.
What I write on this blog is a journal of sort, a place where only a few close to me know who I am and about this blog, the rest of you are strangers...who might or might not get something from my blog...it doesn't matter to me if it is well received or not..this is a space for me to write what I would love to scream from the roof tops. I am happy....happier than I have ever been, I am in a good place, I was two months ago, last week and today. I understand that people are concerned about how fast my relationship with V is progressing, but believe me, all I want is to share how good he is and how much we both understand each other, spoken or unspoken. I don't and never have judge anyone or their relationship...but there is a fine line for me...and it hurt, when I have good intentions with my family and V being a part of it...so please, let me be happy...history will not repeat itself, because I am not the same girl I was, nor will I ever go back to that dark place. Take the words of my previous post any way you want...not fair to judge without knowing what was said or why..if you don't understand, ask me...listen to me, I love you...but a lecture is the last thing I want and the first thing that will push me away...you know that.
Forget that it happened, I have made peace with it and have forgiven the bastard, and don't wish him ill...not all guys are like F ...and I am being honest, if I love him...then let me love him and be happy...I learn from my mistakes, not the mistakes of others. I support everyone in my family with everything thing that they want to do...I have helped, prayed, cried, worried and loved all of you with all my heart. I have never felt this way before...and this is real, not imagined or felt more on my part...he does care about me very deeply..and my happiness and how he wants to be different with me than he ever was with anyone else ...like I want to be me for him. Extreme or not...I am who I am...love me or not ...but I love you, always have and always will.
So let the past go, please don't remind me of the mistakes - support me and know that no matter how much it may seem like it doesn't matter what you think...it does, and I want nothing more than for once to have approval of the people I love the most in the world ...and that S, is you and Mama. Be there and know that I always have been..I don't want to disappoint you or her ...but I need you to be proud of the woman that I have become ...because without either of you...I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have.
As always ...I mean it and I am sorry...Ti amo.
xoxo
BT&HB
I know that I have made mistakes in the past, I have caused my family constant disappointment and worry and I have screwed up more times than I would like to admit...but the mistakes and problems were mine and mine alone...I never blamed anyone for how my life turned out or what happen to me. I learned on my road of knowing myself...that I created the problems, that I was to blame for how I chose not to see what everyone else saw. It took me a long time to reach the point I am at right now. I am not going to let anyone stand in the way of my happiness...I deserve to be happy, and happy with how my life is I am.
What I write on this blog is a journal of sort, a place where only a few close to me know who I am and about this blog, the rest of you are strangers...who might or might not get something from my blog...it doesn't matter to me if it is well received or not..this is a space for me to write what I would love to scream from the roof tops. I am happy....happier than I have ever been, I am in a good place, I was two months ago, last week and today. I understand that people are concerned about how fast my relationship with V is progressing, but believe me, all I want is to share how good he is and how much we both understand each other, spoken or unspoken. I don't and never have judge anyone or their relationship...but there is a fine line for me...and it hurt, when I have good intentions with my family and V being a part of it...so please, let me be happy...history will not repeat itself, because I am not the same girl I was, nor will I ever go back to that dark place. Take the words of my previous post any way you want...not fair to judge without knowing what was said or why..if you don't understand, ask me...listen to me, I love you...but a lecture is the last thing I want and the first thing that will push me away...you know that.
Forget that it happened, I have made peace with it and have forgiven the bastard, and don't wish him ill...not all guys are like F ...and I am being honest, if I love him...then let me love him and be happy...I learn from my mistakes, not the mistakes of others. I support everyone in my family with everything thing that they want to do...I have helped, prayed, cried, worried and loved all of you with all my heart. I have never felt this way before...and this is real, not imagined or felt more on my part...he does care about me very deeply..and my happiness and how he wants to be different with me than he ever was with anyone else ...like I want to be me for him. Extreme or not...I am who I am...love me or not ...but I love you, always have and always will.
So let the past go, please don't remind me of the mistakes - support me and know that no matter how much it may seem like it doesn't matter what you think...it does, and I want nothing more than for once to have approval of the people I love the most in the world ...and that S, is you and Mama. Be there and know that I always have been..I don't want to disappoint you or her ...but I need you to be proud of the woman that I have become ...because without either of you...I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have.
As always ...I mean it and I am sorry...Ti amo.
xoxo
BT&HB
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Is Right Love better than Great Love....??
Monday brought the season finale of one of my obsessions...Gossip Girl. Chuck Bass uttered these words to the woman he loves more than anything in the world...before letting her go to have not great love, but right love. As much as it pained Chuck to let Blair go, as he told her...there is a difference between great love, and good love.
So, let that be the topic of this blog, as I find myself falling in love with V...scary thought considering my world has been turned upside down and all around in one month, considering that how much I miss him when he is not here beside me, how much his presence just calms me...how his touch or how he kisses my hand...tells me all that is unspoken...all of it.
Which is better? Right love or great love? I think they are both good, but if I had to chose, I would chose great love...as that love is always the most consuming, passionate, dark, intense, and beautiful. Right love is good too, safe, simple, caring. I have always been a passionate person with everything, but more so with whom I falling in love with. I was telling V this morning, that the reason I love the Twilight books ( yup, and he laughed at me for having pictures of the vampires in the book saved on my computer..), is that the moral of the story is not good against evil, or getting the girl, but no matter who you love in your life, you might love someone more or another less, but there will always be only one person that you will love differently than anyone else. That to me is great love, loving someone with all your heart, missing them when they are gone, wanting to hear them even for a second, having them call you their Bella, kissing your hand over and over, holding you with care in their arms as your rest together, but also, being there to hold your hand when you tell them the dark parts of your life, encouraging you when your having a bad day, and knowing, that no matter what life throws your way- that he will be there for you.
Some might call me a fool or tell me that I am throwing caution to the wind with V...but I can't explain how I feel without say, and without doubt...that this relationship is becoming a great love. The reason I know this, is because he told me from the beginning that he was selfish when it came to riding his motorcycle with his friends, and I told him...I completely understand. But he told me that he wants to stop being selfish, for me, he doesn't want to do that to me, and that I shouldn't allow him to do that. I told him, I don't want to tell you not to do something, because then you will resent me, and that is not what I want or who I am. I told him that he could ride all he wants, and break plans with me to do so...so long as he make me a part of it, some how , some way. The look that was giving to me by those big brown eyes...is the look of a man totally enchanted. Good love is easy...two people love each other and are simple, great love, is made from the ashes of bad past relationships, personal hurts, and failures. V rose from his ashes when he spoke those words to me ...and I rose from mine, when I replied.
Are you with your great love? Or are you with your good love? Love is love, no matter what type...because being able to love is a gift from God, by him loving us, it enabled us, to love others...
As the song goes.. ".Listen to your heart, when he is calling for you..."
xoxo
BT&HB
So, let that be the topic of this blog, as I find myself falling in love with V...scary thought considering my world has been turned upside down and all around in one month, considering that how much I miss him when he is not here beside me, how much his presence just calms me...how his touch or how he kisses my hand...tells me all that is unspoken...all of it.
Which is better? Right love or great love? I think they are both good, but if I had to chose, I would chose great love...as that love is always the most consuming, passionate, dark, intense, and beautiful. Right love is good too, safe, simple, caring. I have always been a passionate person with everything, but more so with whom I falling in love with. I was telling V this morning, that the reason I love the Twilight books ( yup, and he laughed at me for having pictures of the vampires in the book saved on my computer..), is that the moral of the story is not good against evil, or getting the girl, but no matter who you love in your life, you might love someone more or another less, but there will always be only one person that you will love differently than anyone else. That to me is great love, loving someone with all your heart, missing them when they are gone, wanting to hear them even for a second, having them call you their Bella, kissing your hand over and over, holding you with care in their arms as your rest together, but also, being there to hold your hand when you tell them the dark parts of your life, encouraging you when your having a bad day, and knowing, that no matter what life throws your way- that he will be there for you.
Some might call me a fool or tell me that I am throwing caution to the wind with V...but I can't explain how I feel without say, and without doubt...that this relationship is becoming a great love. The reason I know this, is because he told me from the beginning that he was selfish when it came to riding his motorcycle with his friends, and I told him...I completely understand. But he told me that he wants to stop being selfish, for me, he doesn't want to do that to me, and that I shouldn't allow him to do that. I told him, I don't want to tell you not to do something, because then you will resent me, and that is not what I want or who I am. I told him that he could ride all he wants, and break plans with me to do so...so long as he make me a part of it, some how , some way. The look that was giving to me by those big brown eyes...is the look of a man totally enchanted. Good love is easy...two people love each other and are simple, great love, is made from the ashes of bad past relationships, personal hurts, and failures. V rose from his ashes when he spoke those words to me ...and I rose from mine, when I replied.
Are you with your great love? Or are you with your good love? Love is love, no matter what type...because being able to love is a gift from God, by him loving us, it enabled us, to love others...
As the song goes.. ".Listen to your heart, when he is calling for you..."
xoxo
BT&HB
Friday, May 20, 2011
"Feel it, Own it...and then Let it Go."
The above words were spoken by my yoga teacher on Wednesday night. Thank heavens for Melissa and my fellow yoga mates that night...thank God!
See, Wednesday was not a good day, I ended up in a very dark place in my mind from my past..which just sucked me in faster than you can suck..well, anything. I am going to try to explain this the best way I can.
7 years ago I dated someone who from the beginning I should have stayed away from, who from the first time he left me outside in -28 degree weather with no ride ( yes, I was that stupid)..should have according to my sister ran for the hills and not come out, or until my father showed up on his bike with a shot gun..hahaha and speak of the devil was driving beside me last night..this city is way too small. Don't get me wrong, we had good times, but mostly at the expense of my own happiness, it was always about what would make him happy and not me. He was a tortured soul, with problems of his own, and I was not so happy with myself either..so anyway he would show me love..I would take it. I would let all the bad things take the back seat and let that little one nice thing he do last for weeks. I am not proud of the person I was when I was with him, everyone, I mean everyone..told me I was a different person with him and around him..almost afraid, scared. Don't get me started on the fights..those where the worst, according to him I was the reason he drank, smoked, and didn't like his job. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough for him and is douche-bag Woodbridge friends ( even though some of them saved me from him many times - I thank you FM and RR..you two are the best friends any one could ask for).
Why did I stay? Because in part I believe I didn't deserve better. I know that I deserve so much more, not only from a man, but from myself. I know I am smart, strong ( because the day I reached my limit, I told him we talk or it is over, he said...it is about what he wants and what he say..if I don't like it, pick a door and use it...and I did, never ,ever looking back). I guess where I am going with this is because V said something in passing and as a joke on Tuesday night..that just sat the wrong way with me. I was so messed up and so sad on Wednesday I could do nothing to stop the feeling of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat or the thought of the comment. That is where Melissa struck a vein. She told us that when something triggers a traumatic memory in us, don't bury it...feel it, own it and then let it go. When we bury things, they will always come back and hunt us or bite us in the ass..one or the other, unless we face them, and deal with the root of them..we will never be free.
I chose that night to feel that horrible feeling of being used and useless that night...I inhaled all the pain, and exhaled all the hurt, shame, and guilt I have felt for so long because I stayed with F and because of how I didn't respect myself enough to tell him to go to hell where he belongs. It is not over, I know there are things that I need to face and work through, I know that I love me more than I did 7 years ago, I know that when V asked me the first time about the scar on my back that I turned away and couldn't tell him..but I will have to one day. I did tell V about how that relationship is why I am so guarded with my feelings and how I react to things that are said and done...because we carry the bags from our last relationships ..even though in the new one..it never means the same as it did in the old one...just like your new jeans never fit the same as your old ones...know what I mean?
As I meditated that night...I cried, I cried and had the support of all the wonderful people in my class, they didn't ask questions or judge..they just sat there with me and gave me support..it was a long time coming , but I knew that is why I wanted to study yoga...because it in part has helped me heal from wounds that I have keep hidden from everyone. They allowed me a safe place to cry, and heal...and haven that I wish I would have found years ago, better late than never.
With that...I broke open, allowed the pain to come to the surface, I felt it, I owned it ....and finally....I let it go.
xoxo
BT&HB
See, Wednesday was not a good day, I ended up in a very dark place in my mind from my past..which just sucked me in faster than you can suck..well, anything. I am going to try to explain this the best way I can.
7 years ago I dated someone who from the beginning I should have stayed away from, who from the first time he left me outside in -28 degree weather with no ride ( yes, I was that stupid)..should have according to my sister ran for the hills and not come out, or until my father showed up on his bike with a shot gun..hahaha and speak of the devil was driving beside me last night..this city is way too small. Don't get me wrong, we had good times, but mostly at the expense of my own happiness, it was always about what would make him happy and not me. He was a tortured soul, with problems of his own, and I was not so happy with myself either..so anyway he would show me love..I would take it. I would let all the bad things take the back seat and let that little one nice thing he do last for weeks. I am not proud of the person I was when I was with him, everyone, I mean everyone..told me I was a different person with him and around him..almost afraid, scared. Don't get me started on the fights..those where the worst, according to him I was the reason he drank, smoked, and didn't like his job. I was never pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough for him and is douche-bag Woodbridge friends ( even though some of them saved me from him many times - I thank you FM and RR..you two are the best friends any one could ask for).
Why did I stay? Because in part I believe I didn't deserve better. I know that I deserve so much more, not only from a man, but from myself. I know I am smart, strong ( because the day I reached my limit, I told him we talk or it is over, he said...it is about what he wants and what he say..if I don't like it, pick a door and use it...and I did, never ,ever looking back). I guess where I am going with this is because V said something in passing and as a joke on Tuesday night..that just sat the wrong way with me. I was so messed up and so sad on Wednesday I could do nothing to stop the feeling of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat or the thought of the comment. That is where Melissa struck a vein. She told us that when something triggers a traumatic memory in us, don't bury it...feel it, own it and then let it go. When we bury things, they will always come back and hunt us or bite us in the ass..one or the other, unless we face them, and deal with the root of them..we will never be free.
I chose that night to feel that horrible feeling of being used and useless that night...I inhaled all the pain, and exhaled all the hurt, shame, and guilt I have felt for so long because I stayed with F and because of how I didn't respect myself enough to tell him to go to hell where he belongs. It is not over, I know there are things that I need to face and work through, I know that I love me more than I did 7 years ago, I know that when V asked me the first time about the scar on my back that I turned away and couldn't tell him..but I will have to one day. I did tell V about how that relationship is why I am so guarded with my feelings and how I react to things that are said and done...because we carry the bags from our last relationships ..even though in the new one..it never means the same as it did in the old one...just like your new jeans never fit the same as your old ones...know what I mean?
As I meditated that night...I cried, I cried and had the support of all the wonderful people in my class, they didn't ask questions or judge..they just sat there with me and gave me support..it was a long time coming , but I knew that is why I wanted to study yoga...because it in part has helped me heal from wounds that I have keep hidden from everyone. They allowed me a safe place to cry, and heal...and haven that I wish I would have found years ago, better late than never.
With that...I broke open, allowed the pain to come to the surface, I felt it, I owned it ....and finally....I let it go.
xoxo
BT&HB
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Know your Limits
" Will you teach me to fight?" I asked V, a level 5 black belt, "no, I won't teach you to fight...but I will teach you to defend yourself, lesson one; know your limits, lesson two..know your surroundings.."
The idea came to me today as I was driving home from a family party. I was suppose to meet up with V after the party, but since the last few hours at his work were not good, he was not in a happy place and just wanted to forget...and be alone. Which brought me to remember my limits. Before, I would panic...yup, I was one of those girls who thought that if the guy I was seeing or dating didn't want to see me I must have done something to provoke them to not want to see me. My ex put me though 10 types of hell...hammered my self-esteem, ruined my self-image and just made me crazy. It took me a long time to remember who I was before I met F, and how I never took shit from anyone...girl or guy, how I loved how I looked and was damn proud of the person I was. I found myself again, and was happy with my life when I met V. He calms me..makes me feel like the most smartest, and beautiful person in the world, but like I have a dark side, so does he. I have met his family, the most important test I passed last night...and that was with his sister. They are very close and if she didn't like me...she would not have spoken to me, or let me hold her new born son. When I left the room for a second..V told me that when I had left the room his sister said " V, she is a nice girl and don't be stupid..". I was worried more about meeting her than his parents. He told me after when I thanked him for taking me to see her, that I mean enough to him to allow me to meet his family. So, I realized today and am proud of myself for not slipping back into the dark place of my past and thinking that I must run and make sure that he still likes me, or call him to soothe my own insecurities, that yesterday he was happy with me, and this morning, and that work and just wanting to be alone is okay.
We all slip back to old habits from time to time...V taught me a valuable lesson ...know your limits. I know my limits with him and our relationship, I still don't know everything about him, or how he reacts, but I did let him know that I am there for him and if he needs me to call. There is nothing you can do when someone wants to be alone...when they are ready, and they know their limits, they will be ready to come back into the sunshine of a beautiful relationship, which I know I have with him. Learning about someone is also learning about yourself...I have always been a dark one ( you should have seen the outfit I had on today...I don't do flowers or really girly..french chic more sexy than pretty..lol). But that is me, and I know where he is coming from and how tomorrow he will be better because as always and never fails by the miracle of God..the sun rises in the East and a new day begins.
My nephew is half in love with him already...he made me smile when I saw him today and he said...." wow zia, you look beautiful, you should have worn that to go out with V ..." . By the time the party was winding down, I had found that V didn't want company today, and my nephew again ( my 10 year old voice of reason), gave me a hug and said.." Don't worry zia, he still loves you...he is just in a bad mood and doesn't want to take you down too." Smart kid, really smart kid. You have to love the truthfulness of a 10 year old, because they see things with an un-clouded mind...and you know what...I believe him, and that made me remember...he liked me yesterday, and today...tomorrow he will have missed me more than ever, and you know what??? I have missed him even more right back.
So my friends, remember that the sun will always rise with a promise of a new day, that love and feelings don't change in a few hours, relationship are learning about yourself and the other...and knowing your limits.
xoxo
BT&HB
The idea came to me today as I was driving home from a family party. I was suppose to meet up with V after the party, but since the last few hours at his work were not good, he was not in a happy place and just wanted to forget...and be alone. Which brought me to remember my limits. Before, I would panic...yup, I was one of those girls who thought that if the guy I was seeing or dating didn't want to see me I must have done something to provoke them to not want to see me. My ex put me though 10 types of hell...hammered my self-esteem, ruined my self-image and just made me crazy. It took me a long time to remember who I was before I met F, and how I never took shit from anyone...girl or guy, how I loved how I looked and was damn proud of the person I was. I found myself again, and was happy with my life when I met V. He calms me..makes me feel like the most smartest, and beautiful person in the world, but like I have a dark side, so does he. I have met his family, the most important test I passed last night...and that was with his sister. They are very close and if she didn't like me...she would not have spoken to me, or let me hold her new born son. When I left the room for a second..V told me that when I had left the room his sister said " V, she is a nice girl and don't be stupid..". I was worried more about meeting her than his parents. He told me after when I thanked him for taking me to see her, that I mean enough to him to allow me to meet his family. So, I realized today and am proud of myself for not slipping back into the dark place of my past and thinking that I must run and make sure that he still likes me, or call him to soothe my own insecurities, that yesterday he was happy with me, and this morning, and that work and just wanting to be alone is okay.
We all slip back to old habits from time to time...V taught me a valuable lesson ...know your limits. I know my limits with him and our relationship, I still don't know everything about him, or how he reacts, but I did let him know that I am there for him and if he needs me to call. There is nothing you can do when someone wants to be alone...when they are ready, and they know their limits, they will be ready to come back into the sunshine of a beautiful relationship, which I know I have with him. Learning about someone is also learning about yourself...I have always been a dark one ( you should have seen the outfit I had on today...I don't do flowers or really girly..french chic more sexy than pretty..lol). But that is me, and I know where he is coming from and how tomorrow he will be better because as always and never fails by the miracle of God..the sun rises in the East and a new day begins.
My nephew is half in love with him already...he made me smile when I saw him today and he said...." wow zia, you look beautiful, you should have worn that to go out with V ..." . By the time the party was winding down, I had found that V didn't want company today, and my nephew again ( my 10 year old voice of reason), gave me a hug and said.." Don't worry zia, he still loves you...he is just in a bad mood and doesn't want to take you down too." Smart kid, really smart kid. You have to love the truthfulness of a 10 year old, because they see things with an un-clouded mind...and you know what...I believe him, and that made me remember...he liked me yesterday, and today...tomorrow he will have missed me more than ever, and you know what??? I have missed him even more right back.
So my friends, remember that the sun will always rise with a promise of a new day, that love and feelings don't change in a few hours, relationship are learning about yourself and the other...and knowing your limits.
xoxo
BT&HB
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Going with the Flow ...
As you know from my previous post, I have every reason to be on cloud nine...in more ways than one. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't need a guy to make me happy...but everything does look better when your in that first blush of a relationship. Little bit premature to say "relationship", truly, I don't see it going on any other road, but that one.
I always wondered WTF people were talking about when they said love at first sight..or just knowing they are the "one". I had many relationships, bad ones, boring ones, fun ones, passionate ones...but this is different. I never felt this way before, almost like we don't need to "impress" one another, that the comfort level is there and it is easy between us. Who give someone a pet name after a few days? Well, I have one, he calls me bella and doesn't miss one day without telling me how beautiful I am to him and how he misses me. His sister gave birth this week and he texted me telling me that I don't know how much he wanted me there with him...I haven't met his family yet ( that is a bit too early for me), which brings me to another point.
I have always been guarded with my feelings, just habit or a fear of being hurt, or wanting or liking the other person more than they like me...I have had my heart broken so many times..but with V I know that he will never break my heart, he will hold it with care in his hands ( and he has the strongest hands I have ever seen!). We spent a wonderful Friday night together and we had a great time just being with each other. On Saturday morning I felt sad for some reason..and I realized that it was the old feeling of them not wanting me the next day for something I said or did..stopping myself from feeling that was a huge step for me..I stopped and told the doubt and fear to go fax itself and file it under B for bullshit, because he gave me no indication that he didn't want to see me again. All woman do that, but so do men. Overcoming your fear of rejection and looking at yourself as a worthy person, takes a lot of self-esteem. My self-esteem and love for myself, is what drew V to me in the first place...when your happy with yourself, someone to share that happiness with you, will be drawn to you like a magnet.
Virgo Man & Scorpio Woman
" The relationship between a Virgo man and a Scorpio woman will result in great compatibility. Both of them gel with each other beautifully, making up the other's disability now and then, making a perfect union. There are numerous characteristics which are common to both hence, things will turn out to be very pleasant at the end. While the Scorpio female is overly expressive, the Virgo male may turn out to be impassive. However, they would hold deep sense of admiration for each other - he would have high regards for her strength and resolve and she, in turn would respect his need for perfection." - indiaserver.com
This just blew my mind...if that doesn't sound like myself and V..I don't know what does. Children just know things adults refuse to see...or admit. My nephew asked me on Friday.." your going out with the same guy again?" yes, I said..." is he nice?" yes, very nice I replied, and to that he asked when he will meet him and he is coming to his birthday party. As much as that freaked me out...the truth of the matter is, going with the flow...brings you all the things you crave and are afraid of...in order for you to go with the flow and get swept away.
Like I have told all my girlfriends..."don't worry, a guy will come along and knock you right on your ass..." consider me knocked on my ass and blown away.
xoxo
BT&HB
P.S. The song with you by Chris Brown reminds me of V and gets better every single time I listen to it.
I always wondered WTF people were talking about when they said love at first sight..or just knowing they are the "one". I had many relationships, bad ones, boring ones, fun ones, passionate ones...but this is different. I never felt this way before, almost like we don't need to "impress" one another, that the comfort level is there and it is easy between us. Who give someone a pet name after a few days? Well, I have one, he calls me bella and doesn't miss one day without telling me how beautiful I am to him and how he misses me. His sister gave birth this week and he texted me telling me that I don't know how much he wanted me there with him...I haven't met his family yet ( that is a bit too early for me), which brings me to another point.
I have always been guarded with my feelings, just habit or a fear of being hurt, or wanting or liking the other person more than they like me...I have had my heart broken so many times..but with V I know that he will never break my heart, he will hold it with care in his hands ( and he has the strongest hands I have ever seen!). We spent a wonderful Friday night together and we had a great time just being with each other. On Saturday morning I felt sad for some reason..and I realized that it was the old feeling of them not wanting me the next day for something I said or did..stopping myself from feeling that was a huge step for me..I stopped and told the doubt and fear to go fax itself and file it under B for bullshit, because he gave me no indication that he didn't want to see me again. All woman do that, but so do men. Overcoming your fear of rejection and looking at yourself as a worthy person, takes a lot of self-esteem. My self-esteem and love for myself, is what drew V to me in the first place...when your happy with yourself, someone to share that happiness with you, will be drawn to you like a magnet.
Virgo Man & Scorpio Woman
" The relationship between a Virgo man and a Scorpio woman will result in great compatibility. Both of them gel with each other beautifully, making up the other's disability now and then, making a perfect union. There are numerous characteristics which are common to both hence, things will turn out to be very pleasant at the end. While the Scorpio female is overly expressive, the Virgo male may turn out to be impassive. However, they would hold deep sense of admiration for each other - he would have high regards for her strength and resolve and she, in turn would respect his need for perfection." - indiaserver.com
This just blew my mind...if that doesn't sound like myself and V..I don't know what does. Children just know things adults refuse to see...or admit. My nephew asked me on Friday.." your going out with the same guy again?" yes, I said..." is he nice?" yes, very nice I replied, and to that he asked when he will meet him and he is coming to his birthday party. As much as that freaked me out...the truth of the matter is, going with the flow...brings you all the things you crave and are afraid of...in order for you to go with the flow and get swept away.
Like I have told all my girlfriends..."don't worry, a guy will come along and knock you right on your ass..." consider me knocked on my ass and blown away.
xoxo
BT&HB
P.S. The song with you by Chris Brown reminds me of V and gets better every single time I listen to it.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The "Height" of the Matter...
The title for this post came to me yesterday when I was chatting with my stylist while she was doing my hair. I love Doris...she is a calming and supportive person, never looking at the glass as half empty, but half full...the reason for this title?? I met a guy this week, and the matter of height came front and centre- but to my surprise...it didn't matter.
Let me explain...I am almost 5'6 ...I am long in the upper body and therefore look taller ( also the fact that I love high heels doesn't help my cause..), people always tell me that I look more around 5'7 or 5'8 and I feel almost like I have to present my last measurement from my annual physical in order for people to believe me. My ex-boyfriend ( the rat-bastard that he was) had one thing that I was willing to let all the other shitty things he did go...height. He was 6'4, which meant I felt protected, small and like a girl should feel with a guy. That was then..this is now.
I was "set -up" with V on Monday. To my surprise we had a very easy banter via phone and text messages..almost like we have known each other forever. He had seen a picture of me, so there was no surprise there, but for me it was a total blind date. We spoke all week and his voice and his easy going attitude just drew me in. We had plans to meet on Sunday, but spontaneously, he asked me Friday to meet him after work. I said yes, and spent the day a bag of butterflies in my tummy. I worried, what if when he meets me it is not the same as seeing the vision in the picture? What will he look like? What about our height?
Time arrived and as he walked towards me ...he was shorter than I, but that all fell away once we started our conversation. As we set out to grab a coffee, I was just chatting along, when all of the sudden, he said to me..." your very pretty". Never, never...has anyone ever said that to me. Sure, they have told me I looked good, hot, sexy whatever ...but never pretty. I was taken aback..I thanked him and we went about our evening. That made me think yesterday when I was talking to Doris. It hit me all of the sudden...not one of the older men that I have gone out on dates with ( V is 32 and I am 38)..never so much complimented me and here is V ...telling me I am pretty after having met me less than 10 minutes before. Now I don't think he said it as a "line" because I have been fed those before...and his was genuine and sincere. I can't explain, but his height means nothing ...were he one of the others I had gone on blind dates with...it would have been an issue, because they literally acted like they couldn't care a less to know me and that they were doing me a favour by going on a date me with. ...this made the issue of height...not an issue anymore.
Doris gave me some insight...she said that maybe V is the one, maybe he is a stepping stone...because I found something in someone that I was craving forever ...which is a calming person, someone who wants to know everything about me..and who is a gentleman..despite the difference in age and height.
As I told my mother the next day..."so how tall is he??" she said...I replied, " he is shorter and younger, I am taller and older ...so it is a wash....and I finally see that height doesn't matter, and good things do indeed....come in small packages.
xoxo
BT&HB
Let me explain...I am almost 5'6 ...I am long in the upper body and therefore look taller ( also the fact that I love high heels doesn't help my cause..), people always tell me that I look more around 5'7 or 5'8 and I feel almost like I have to present my last measurement from my annual physical in order for people to believe me. My ex-boyfriend ( the rat-bastard that he was) had one thing that I was willing to let all the other shitty things he did go...height. He was 6'4, which meant I felt protected, small and like a girl should feel with a guy. That was then..this is now.
I was "set -up" with V on Monday. To my surprise we had a very easy banter via phone and text messages..almost like we have known each other forever. He had seen a picture of me, so there was no surprise there, but for me it was a total blind date. We spoke all week and his voice and his easy going attitude just drew me in. We had plans to meet on Sunday, but spontaneously, he asked me Friday to meet him after work. I said yes, and spent the day a bag of butterflies in my tummy. I worried, what if when he meets me it is not the same as seeing the vision in the picture? What will he look like? What about our height?
Time arrived and as he walked towards me ...he was shorter than I, but that all fell away once we started our conversation. As we set out to grab a coffee, I was just chatting along, when all of the sudden, he said to me..." your very pretty". Never, never...has anyone ever said that to me. Sure, they have told me I looked good, hot, sexy whatever ...but never pretty. I was taken aback..I thanked him and we went about our evening. That made me think yesterday when I was talking to Doris. It hit me all of the sudden...not one of the older men that I have gone out on dates with ( V is 32 and I am 38)..never so much complimented me and here is V ...telling me I am pretty after having met me less than 10 minutes before. Now I don't think he said it as a "line" because I have been fed those before...and his was genuine and sincere. I can't explain, but his height means nothing ...were he one of the others I had gone on blind dates with...it would have been an issue, because they literally acted like they couldn't care a less to know me and that they were doing me a favour by going on a date me with. ...this made the issue of height...not an issue anymore.
Doris gave me some insight...she said that maybe V is the one, maybe he is a stepping stone...because I found something in someone that I was craving forever ...which is a calming person, someone who wants to know everything about me..and who is a gentleman..despite the difference in age and height.
As I told my mother the next day..."so how tall is he??" she said...I replied, " he is shorter and younger, I am taller and older ...so it is a wash....and I finally see that height doesn't matter, and good things do indeed....come in small packages.
xoxo
BT&HB
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Evny...the Destroyer of Self-Esteem
" Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind". Buddha
Envy, green-eyed monster, one of the seven deadly sins, evil eye call it what you like, either way, it is truly deadly, to the body and mind. Last week I came face to face with envy with no one other than my boss...and that was something I always suspected, but never thought in a million years she would actually be envious of me.
I don't envy anyone, I never did. Sure, I would say off hand, I loved that girl's bag or shoes, and I would love to buy them....but never,ever,did I say I wanted to be that person. I don't know, to me it is just foolish and a waste of energy to spend your time wanting what other people have, what about what you have and what you want? Do you know what that is? That is where self-esteem comes in. If you have low self-esteem, you tend to be more jealous and envious of others, because you are not happy with yourself. You wished you were the rich guy or girl, the one that makes friends easily, the one that always gets praised at work...the one that nothing ever seems to go wrong for them. We all can have that in our lives, if we just believe in ourselves. The worst type of green-eyed monster is the one that make a mockery of your life, makes fun of how you choose to live it and makes you think that maybe your not good enough. Those are the people that you should steer clear of. In my case, it is a bit hard, since I have to work daily with my boss....but that day everything became crystal clear.....it is not me, like I once thought...but her. Her jealousy of how close my family is, how I chose to still live at home and be in the circle of love and compassion, how I have a passion for treating others with respect and love, and how easily everyone likes to be around me...tough for you, if she took off her blinders, she would see, her life is what she made it...and only she can change it. I cried that night after meditating, and vowed never to allow her or anyone to make me feel like my life is less, because of how I chose to live it.
Envy is worst than hate...truly it is. Don't envy others, never think or speak ill of someone else's choice in life, because karma is a bitch, and it will come back to bite you in the ass.
I leave you with wise words spoken by my mother less than a week ago...she said, " it is not a sin what you put in your mouth...but a sin what comes out of it".
xoxo
BT&HB
Envy, green-eyed monster, one of the seven deadly sins, evil eye call it what you like, either way, it is truly deadly, to the body and mind. Last week I came face to face with envy with no one other than my boss...and that was something I always suspected, but never thought in a million years she would actually be envious of me.
I don't envy anyone, I never did. Sure, I would say off hand, I loved that girl's bag or shoes, and I would love to buy them....but never,ever,did I say I wanted to be that person. I don't know, to me it is just foolish and a waste of energy to spend your time wanting what other people have, what about what you have and what you want? Do you know what that is? That is where self-esteem comes in. If you have low self-esteem, you tend to be more jealous and envious of others, because you are not happy with yourself. You wished you were the rich guy or girl, the one that makes friends easily, the one that always gets praised at work...the one that nothing ever seems to go wrong for them. We all can have that in our lives, if we just believe in ourselves. The worst type of green-eyed monster is the one that make a mockery of your life, makes fun of how you choose to live it and makes you think that maybe your not good enough. Those are the people that you should steer clear of. In my case, it is a bit hard, since I have to work daily with my boss....but that day everything became crystal clear.....it is not me, like I once thought...but her. Her jealousy of how close my family is, how I chose to still live at home and be in the circle of love and compassion, how I have a passion for treating others with respect and love, and how easily everyone likes to be around me...tough for you, if she took off her blinders, she would see, her life is what she made it...and only she can change it. I cried that night after meditating, and vowed never to allow her or anyone to make me feel like my life is less, because of how I chose to live it.
Envy is worst than hate...truly it is. Don't envy others, never think or speak ill of someone else's choice in life, because karma is a bitch, and it will come back to bite you in the ass.
I leave you with wise words spoken by my mother less than a week ago...she said, " it is not a sin what you put in your mouth...but a sin what comes out of it".
xoxo
BT&HB
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Yoga...my missing link
Couple of months ago, I felt a powerful draw to yoga. I didn't know why, since I have tried it before and could not quite my mind enough for the one hour...I thought I would go insane. However, this time it was different. My body was craving a different kind of work-out, a balance if you will.
I tried commercial yoga studios, I even tried hot yoga ( dear Lord, the dry heat was enough to melt an ice princess....and there were many in that class). I did BodyFlow at my gym, my cousin also teaches the class there and is a certified yoga teacher...but something was missing. I went to the classes but didn't understand the importance of breathing. Melissa ( my wonderful new teacher..) took me under her wing and taught me how to breathe from my belly ( I have always taken my breathes through my nose, but with the upper region of my lungs, not my full lungs). This was the link that I was missing....when you breathe deep and with you full lungs, the world becomes so much more calm, so much more clear...and so much easier.
Breathing this way also allowed me to work-out better....impossible I thought, until I realized that I could finish the rep because I wasn't winded, the weight didn't seem so heavy because I was focused on bring air into my body...this has become my salvation...and Melissa is God sent!
They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will come, in my case, I know now why I didn't sign up with Yogatree that night back in January...why I didn't scope out another ..." hot yoga studio" ...because I was waiting for Melissa...and I was ready.
I encourage everyone to try yoga ....really try, focus, mediate, breathe ....and you will be so much more connected to you body and soul ...it gives me peace I forgot I had, makes me stop and take a deep breath and remember that the past is gone, the future has yet to happen, but this moment is the only time we have right now.
My goal for this year is to become a yogi....I have made other goals and I know that I will achieve them...because the peace and focus that yoga brings me ...will allow me to reach for my goals....and not just hope, but know that they will come to fruition.
So my friends....take a deep breath, release your stress, close your eyes and breathe out your doubts and breathe in you can ...because you do or do not ...there is no try.
Namaste.
xoxo
BT&HB
I tried commercial yoga studios, I even tried hot yoga ( dear Lord, the dry heat was enough to melt an ice princess....and there were many in that class). I did BodyFlow at my gym, my cousin also teaches the class there and is a certified yoga teacher...but something was missing. I went to the classes but didn't understand the importance of breathing. Melissa ( my wonderful new teacher..) took me under her wing and taught me how to breathe from my belly ( I have always taken my breathes through my nose, but with the upper region of my lungs, not my full lungs). This was the link that I was missing....when you breathe deep and with you full lungs, the world becomes so much more calm, so much more clear...and so much easier.
Breathing this way also allowed me to work-out better....impossible I thought, until I realized that I could finish the rep because I wasn't winded, the weight didn't seem so heavy because I was focused on bring air into my body...this has become my salvation...and Melissa is God sent!
They say that when the student is ready, the teacher will come, in my case, I know now why I didn't sign up with Yogatree that night back in January...why I didn't scope out another ..." hot yoga studio" ...because I was waiting for Melissa...and I was ready.
I encourage everyone to try yoga ....really try, focus, mediate, breathe ....and you will be so much more connected to you body and soul ...it gives me peace I forgot I had, makes me stop and take a deep breath and remember that the past is gone, the future has yet to happen, but this moment is the only time we have right now.
My goal for this year is to become a yogi....I have made other goals and I know that I will achieve them...because the peace and focus that yoga brings me ...will allow me to reach for my goals....and not just hope, but know that they will come to fruition.
So my friends....take a deep breath, release your stress, close your eyes and breathe out your doubts and breathe in you can ...because you do or do not ...there is no try.
Namaste.
xoxo
BT&HB
Saturday, March 26, 2011
My Sister....S, The True Warrior
My sister, she is older than myself by two years, we are the eldest of four children, as different as night and day, I thought we were the same in many ways, until this weekend.
Growing up, I looked up to her. It didn't always look that way, because I always tried to be different and always walked to the beat of my own drummer. But she was always just so perfect in my eyes, smart, tall, happy, beautiful and she took no shit from anyone, not her teachers, her bosses, her friends, or men...she was truly a standout in my eyes. She always knew what she wanted, worked hard, studied harder....and never believed she couldn't do something. I thought that we were both strong and courageous, until yesterday...she proved to be the true warrior.
Sure, everyone thinks me the tough one, the dark one...( she did after all dress up as a nun for Halloween one year!), I have overcome things in my life on my own, maybe out of a sense of pride....or just having to learn it the hard way...but my sister is always the first person to help you, the first one to call, the first one to be there for you...not matter what. She said to me once that we are tough, because we are our mother's and her mother ( our grandmother), daughters,...and that should count for something...and it does. It provided my sister with a guardian angel who always watches over her ( and me!)...who gives her the strength everyday to be the woman she is.
So for you my sister I wrote this...because I am so proud of you and how courageous you are...and I hope that when I grow up ....I will have even a little of the courage and love that you have in your heart.
Ti amo ....sempre.
xoxo
BT&HB
Growing up, I looked up to her. It didn't always look that way, because I always tried to be different and always walked to the beat of my own drummer. But she was always just so perfect in my eyes, smart, tall, happy, beautiful and she took no shit from anyone, not her teachers, her bosses, her friends, or men...she was truly a standout in my eyes. She always knew what she wanted, worked hard, studied harder....and never believed she couldn't do something. I thought that we were both strong and courageous, until yesterday...she proved to be the true warrior.
Sure, everyone thinks me the tough one, the dark one...( she did after all dress up as a nun for Halloween one year!), I have overcome things in my life on my own, maybe out of a sense of pride....or just having to learn it the hard way...but my sister is always the first person to help you, the first one to call, the first one to be there for you...not matter what. She said to me once that we are tough, because we are our mother's and her mother ( our grandmother), daughters,...and that should count for something...and it does. It provided my sister with a guardian angel who always watches over her ( and me!)...who gives her the strength everyday to be the woman she is.
So for you my sister I wrote this...because I am so proud of you and how courageous you are...and I hope that when I grow up ....I will have even a little of the courage and love that you have in your heart.
Ti amo ....sempre.
xoxo
BT&HB
Monday, March 14, 2011
Which one will you feed??
" A chief is talking to his tribe about two dogs inside his mind: one a white dog that is good and courageous, the other a black dog that is vengeful and angry. Both dogs are fighting to the death. A young brave, unable to wait for the end of the story asks, " which one will win?" The chief responds, " The one I feed."
- Native American story quoted in the book Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff, M.D.
Interesting don't you think? This brings to mind how since the beginning of time, there has always been a struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, love and hate. Was it a struggle between cultures, religions, genders...or was it a battle that was raging within every man and woman through time? I believe there are two people in everyone, the good and the bad, but what comes to the surface, is the one that we pay most attention too.
I know that I have struggled with my good and evil sides, the little voice in my head telling me to do all the bad things...while the little one in my heart that tells me not too. Is it possible to do both? I have, it is possible to do something wicked and enjoy doing it...only to have it sneak up on me years later either to make me laugh in the memory ( or disbelief that I could have been so wicked!) or make me shake my head and wonder how I could have been so careless. How many times have you argued with your good side or your bad side? Which one do you feed everyday? Do you think good thoughts and treat everyone with compassion and love? Or do you blame, hate and walk all over everyone like they owe you? I for one have always tried my best to treat others the way I would like to be treated, but since there are two people in all of us ...I didn't always get treated well by them, I always seemed to bring out the bad side in the people that I craved to please the most.
But times have changed for me...I no longer feed or listen to the angry voice, but I listen to the soft one, the one that I feed, the one that I love, encourage and the one that allows me to be the woman that I am. I chose to slam the door on the angry dog, not listen to it never ending constant complaining....I could not stand to hear it anymore..instead, I chose to open the door to my good side, the side that has been waiting patiently for many years for me to let in..letting her in, was the best thing I ever did. By feeding my good side, I have the power to be who I want to be, treat everyone with love no matter how they treat me, and know...that what goes around comes around, but also...that your karma is how you treat people.
So, which one will you feed????
xoxo
BT&HB
- Native American story quoted in the book Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff, M.D.
Interesting don't you think? This brings to mind how since the beginning of time, there has always been a struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, love and hate. Was it a struggle between cultures, religions, genders...or was it a battle that was raging within every man and woman through time? I believe there are two people in everyone, the good and the bad, but what comes to the surface, is the one that we pay most attention too.
I know that I have struggled with my good and evil sides, the little voice in my head telling me to do all the bad things...while the little one in my heart that tells me not too. Is it possible to do both? I have, it is possible to do something wicked and enjoy doing it...only to have it sneak up on me years later either to make me laugh in the memory ( or disbelief that I could have been so wicked!) or make me shake my head and wonder how I could have been so careless. How many times have you argued with your good side or your bad side? Which one do you feed everyday? Do you think good thoughts and treat everyone with compassion and love? Or do you blame, hate and walk all over everyone like they owe you? I for one have always tried my best to treat others the way I would like to be treated, but since there are two people in all of us ...I didn't always get treated well by them, I always seemed to bring out the bad side in the people that I craved to please the most.
But times have changed for me...I no longer feed or listen to the angry voice, but I listen to the soft one, the one that I feed, the one that I love, encourage and the one that allows me to be the woman that I am. I chose to slam the door on the angry dog, not listen to it never ending constant complaining....I could not stand to hear it anymore..instead, I chose to open the door to my good side, the side that has been waiting patiently for many years for me to let in..letting her in, was the best thing I ever did. By feeding my good side, I have the power to be who I want to be, treat everyone with love no matter how they treat me, and know...that what goes around comes around, but also...that your karma is how you treat people.
So, which one will you feed????
xoxo
BT&HB
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Books...when your read, what are you searching for???
I pondered this question today while I was enjoying a walk through the snow ( which was dumped on us by surprise last night..), why do we read? Why are some people call book nerds, and are called passionate readers? Yes, we have to read, we are taught to read in order to survive, grow, learn and live. But what does one that read for pleasure look for?? Do people really just love to read? Or when reading....are we searching for something?
I for one, read everything...I mean everything - from new papers, flyer's, magazines, novels, history books, religion books, health books, mind,body and spirit books..on-line, hard covers, mass markets, newsprint...even the emails that float around my office about stats, I read them.
Sometimes I am drawn to a book, don't know why...but I will pick it up a million times and put it down and then pick it up again...I figured that I am not ready for what is in between those pages. Like the saying goes, when the student is ready, the teacher will come. Have you ever felt that way? Do you only read what is in the news or the next diet or health book? Or are you reading something in hopes that it will bring forth something inside you that you didn't ( or forgot) you had in you? When I read, I search...I search for things to touch my heart, things that will make me look at the world with different eyes, a sentence, or word or chapter...that will stick with me for the rest of my life and that I will never forget. I have many books, too many to count..but all of them have folded corners, pages marked, and are most loved. One of my all time favorite author is Paulo Coelho, just before he starts his books on the second page he always writes ...." Hail Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who turn to Thee for help. Amen", just before the first chapter starts, he quotes the bible. His books are short, but pack a very powerful punch. When I read his books, I find myself lost in the story, and crying no matter the ending...because his writing touches me...touches something deep down inside that I forgot was there..inspires me to lift myself to a better place...be all that I dreamed of being, because I can.
I could go on forever, alas...it would be a very long post. I found this quote awhile back in something that I was reading ( forgive me, I can't recall in which book..but it stuck with me).
" ....when you read a book, you leave a piece of yourself with it, and that is a treasure for someone else to find...their thoughts, their feelings, their state of mind ....so when you read, read with passion, love and joy...because you never know who will pick up the book after you..."
xoxo
BT&HB
I for one, read everything...I mean everything - from new papers, flyer's, magazines, novels, history books, religion books, health books, mind,body and spirit books..on-line, hard covers, mass markets, newsprint...even the emails that float around my office about stats, I read them.
Sometimes I am drawn to a book, don't know why...but I will pick it up a million times and put it down and then pick it up again...I figured that I am not ready for what is in between those pages. Like the saying goes, when the student is ready, the teacher will come. Have you ever felt that way? Do you only read what is in the news or the next diet or health book? Or are you reading something in hopes that it will bring forth something inside you that you didn't ( or forgot) you had in you? When I read, I search...I search for things to touch my heart, things that will make me look at the world with different eyes, a sentence, or word or chapter...that will stick with me for the rest of my life and that I will never forget. I have many books, too many to count..but all of them have folded corners, pages marked, and are most loved. One of my all time favorite author is Paulo Coelho, just before he starts his books on the second page he always writes ...." Hail Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who turn to Thee for help. Amen", just before the first chapter starts, he quotes the bible. His books are short, but pack a very powerful punch. When I read his books, I find myself lost in the story, and crying no matter the ending...because his writing touches me...touches something deep down inside that I forgot was there..inspires me to lift myself to a better place...be all that I dreamed of being, because I can.
I could go on forever, alas...it would be a very long post. I found this quote awhile back in something that I was reading ( forgive me, I can't recall in which book..but it stuck with me).
" ....when you read a book, you leave a piece of yourself with it, and that is a treasure for someone else to find...their thoughts, their feelings, their state of mind ....so when you read, read with passion, love and joy...because you never know who will pick up the book after you..."
xoxo
BT&HB
Monday, February 14, 2011
Have you ever fallen in love with a fictional character?
In honour of Valentine's Day ( or Vile Day as my friend Kenny and I call it), I figured what better way to honour the day of love - write about love - or more to the point, my love for fictional characters.
This thought came to me when I finished reading an advance readers copy of a book called The Vampire Stalker by Allison Van Diepen. The book explores the idea of literary physics and how books show us what is going on in another dimension. Books also transport us out of our worlds, just like the movies, they let us escape our lives for a couple of hours and make us hope and dream, cry and laugh..and fall in love.
My friends can vouch and tell you that when I read a book that I can't shut up about, I fall in love with the characters sometimes for all the things they are, and sometimes all the things they aren't. Ya, sure I have fallen in love with characters in movies because they are good looking ( or like my sister would say..." he is a five alarm fire, and there are not enough fire trucks to put out how hot he is.."), but characters in books are different. You have to create an image of what they would look like, sound like and be like. When you picture the type of man or woman you would like to meet and have to love, it seems like we pick things from all the media around us. If someone would ask me who would be my ideal male, he would be part....
* David Beckham ( just because the man has it all)
* Hugh Jackman ( Sab, that one is for you..)
* Edward Cullen ( I know, I know, he is a 118 year old virgin vampire..but still hot)
* Chuck Bass ( everyone loves a bad boy, and he is rich and is the only man who can wear purple pants and still look sexy).
* Alessandro Salimbeni from the Book called " Juliet" by Anne Fortier ( I am just a sucker for Italian men).
* Matthew Clairmont from the book " a discovery of witches " by Deborah Harkness, please just trust me, the man is the most well mannered and beautiful soul ever.
* Alexander Banks from the book " the vampire stalker" by Allison Van Diepen - just read his words, what man tells a woman she is enchanting??
* and last but not least, how could I even think about forgetting Mr. Darcy and my beloved Romeo ( and it still stands, my first born will be called Romeo) ....
The book got me thinking...how could I be so drawn to certain characters and dislike others? How is it that with all that I have been through and of all the men that I have dated, know that they are not likely to be rich, hot, have hair like David Beckham, or tell me I am enchanting, but I still believe that my David/Hugh/Chuck/Edward/Matthew/Alessandro/Alexander/Darcy/Romeo - could be out there looking for me??? Because I believe, I believe in love and know that when you love yourself, you are more lovable, that the need for love, is different than being needy for love. Love is not something that happens to you, it is something that you do.
I might be home on Valentine's day this year..and I am fine with it, because I am with the person I didn't love for a long time, someone who I treated badly, even though they always loved me no matter what I did, this year I am spending time with me, yes that is right, me, because I am the one who is going to have to look at myself each day for the rest of my life in the mirror, so this Valentine's day, treat yourself, tell yourself how enchanting you are, tell yourself you love you...trust me, Self love is the most important love of all...without it, we could never love another.
To all that know me, you know how much I put my heart into everything, not matter if it is a book, a handbag, shoes, my friends or my work...I don't love half way...my heart is too filled with love for all of you, and you all, each have taught me how to love.
xoxo
BT & HB
This thought came to me when I finished reading an advance readers copy of a book called The Vampire Stalker by Allison Van Diepen. The book explores the idea of literary physics and how books show us what is going on in another dimension. Books also transport us out of our worlds, just like the movies, they let us escape our lives for a couple of hours and make us hope and dream, cry and laugh..and fall in love.
My friends can vouch and tell you that when I read a book that I can't shut up about, I fall in love with the characters sometimes for all the things they are, and sometimes all the things they aren't. Ya, sure I have fallen in love with characters in movies because they are good looking ( or like my sister would say..." he is a five alarm fire, and there are not enough fire trucks to put out how hot he is.."), but characters in books are different. You have to create an image of what they would look like, sound like and be like. When you picture the type of man or woman you would like to meet and have to love, it seems like we pick things from all the media around us. If someone would ask me who would be my ideal male, he would be part....
* David Beckham ( just because the man has it all)
* Hugh Jackman ( Sab, that one is for you..)
* Edward Cullen ( I know, I know, he is a 118 year old virgin vampire..but still hot)
* Chuck Bass ( everyone loves a bad boy, and he is rich and is the only man who can wear purple pants and still look sexy).
* Alessandro Salimbeni from the Book called " Juliet" by Anne Fortier ( I am just a sucker for Italian men).
* Matthew Clairmont from the book " a discovery of witches " by Deborah Harkness, please just trust me, the man is the most well mannered and beautiful soul ever.
* Alexander Banks from the book " the vampire stalker" by Allison Van Diepen - just read his words, what man tells a woman she is enchanting??
* and last but not least, how could I even think about forgetting Mr. Darcy and my beloved Romeo ( and it still stands, my first born will be called Romeo) ....
The book got me thinking...how could I be so drawn to certain characters and dislike others? How is it that with all that I have been through and of all the men that I have dated, know that they are not likely to be rich, hot, have hair like David Beckham, or tell me I am enchanting, but I still believe that my David/Hugh/Chuck/Edward/Matthew/Alessandro/Alexander/Darcy/Romeo - could be out there looking for me??? Because I believe, I believe in love and know that when you love yourself, you are more lovable, that the need for love, is different than being needy for love. Love is not something that happens to you, it is something that you do.
I might be home on Valentine's day this year..and I am fine with it, because I am with the person I didn't love for a long time, someone who I treated badly, even though they always loved me no matter what I did, this year I am spending time with me, yes that is right, me, because I am the one who is going to have to look at myself each day for the rest of my life in the mirror, so this Valentine's day, treat yourself, tell yourself how enchanting you are, tell yourself you love you...trust me, Self love is the most important love of all...without it, we could never love another.
To all that know me, you know how much I put my heart into everything, not matter if it is a book, a handbag, shoes, my friends or my work...I don't love half way...my heart is too filled with love for all of you, and you all, each have taught me how to love.
xoxo
BT & HB
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Positive vs Negative
"Positive feelings invite intimacy and engagement. Negative feelings invite isolation and alienation." Joan Borysenko,Ph.D. - from Minding the Body, Mending the Mind
As 2010 was coming to a close, I took a long hard look at my life. For the most part, I struggled with the same things that many have struggled with since for as long as we can remember, I have been fortunate, lucky, grateful, thankful, blessed and strong. But I have also, loved and lost, been laughed at, left out, put down, knocked out, frowned upon and belittled.
One thing that I always seemed to have no matter if I faced an angel or a devil, was the power of positive thought. Don't get me wrong, my positive thoughts were not always very powerful ( sometimes they were, I just wasn't ready to hear them). Someone once told me, " God took a gift from you, but gave you another, don't waste it.." I had no idea what that man meant at the time, but the more I slipped into the pit of hell - the more I felt protected. That made me see people for who they truly are, and the more I thought more positively, the better off I was.
I use to moan about not having the perfect body, not enough money, no respect at work, friends who constantly used me, family that made me feel like a poor relation...until one day I realized that it was my thoughts that drew the bad people and all those things to me. The battle is not with the outside world it is within you. The hardest person to say I love you too, is yourself. If you think and speak positive, only good will come. Think about how when you are negative about something, everything looks negative, the situation never gets better. But when you choose to think and speak with happy and positive thoughts and words...your world does become a whole lot better.
In my life, I have come across a whole world full of people, some are the best people you could ever encounter, and some, not so much. The difference is in there thinking, some would bitch about the same thing, over and over ( until I could no longer stand to be around them), and the others, would always say, if it is God's will, and see the good in even the worst situations. My mother told me a couple of years ago, that during a very dark time in my life when I was in an abusive relationship ( my positive thoughts were turned off at that time..) that when she didn't know how else to help me, she prayed to God and said, " I leave her in your hands.." to this day, that still makes me cry with the beauty of faith that my mother has in God. When your child is suffering, and there is nothing left to do, you place your positive trust in God.
So, we are now in month two of 2011, I am in a very positive place right now with myself, I love life & me, am grateful for everyday, I think positive thoughts and things that make me feel good about myself. I have set myself goals, and I know that I can do it, because nothing can knock down the power of a positive thought.
Ask yourself ....
Who are we and why are we here? What's the definition of a life well lived?? Are you answers positive or negative??...the choice is up to you, make it the right one.
xoxo
BT&HB
As 2010 was coming to a close, I took a long hard look at my life. For the most part, I struggled with the same things that many have struggled with since for as long as we can remember, I have been fortunate, lucky, grateful, thankful, blessed and strong. But I have also, loved and lost, been laughed at, left out, put down, knocked out, frowned upon and belittled.
One thing that I always seemed to have no matter if I faced an angel or a devil, was the power of positive thought. Don't get me wrong, my positive thoughts were not always very powerful ( sometimes they were, I just wasn't ready to hear them). Someone once told me, " God took a gift from you, but gave you another, don't waste it.." I had no idea what that man meant at the time, but the more I slipped into the pit of hell - the more I felt protected. That made me see people for who they truly are, and the more I thought more positively, the better off I was.
I use to moan about not having the perfect body, not enough money, no respect at work, friends who constantly used me, family that made me feel like a poor relation...until one day I realized that it was my thoughts that drew the bad people and all those things to me. The battle is not with the outside world it is within you. The hardest person to say I love you too, is yourself. If you think and speak positive, only good will come. Think about how when you are negative about something, everything looks negative, the situation never gets better. But when you choose to think and speak with happy and positive thoughts and words...your world does become a whole lot better.
In my life, I have come across a whole world full of people, some are the best people you could ever encounter, and some, not so much. The difference is in there thinking, some would bitch about the same thing, over and over ( until I could no longer stand to be around them), and the others, would always say, if it is God's will, and see the good in even the worst situations. My mother told me a couple of years ago, that during a very dark time in my life when I was in an abusive relationship ( my positive thoughts were turned off at that time..) that when she didn't know how else to help me, she prayed to God and said, " I leave her in your hands.." to this day, that still makes me cry with the beauty of faith that my mother has in God. When your child is suffering, and there is nothing left to do, you place your positive trust in God.
So, we are now in month two of 2011, I am in a very positive place right now with myself, I love life & me, am grateful for everyday, I think positive thoughts and things that make me feel good about myself. I have set myself goals, and I know that I can do it, because nothing can knock down the power of a positive thought.
Ask yourself ....
Who are we and why are we here? What's the definition of a life well lived?? Are you answers positive or negative??...the choice is up to you, make it the right one.
xoxo
BT&HB
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Mind over Matter ...fact or fiction??
Today, while checking out my favorite health and fitness websites, I came across a quote that Mark Twight ( trained the cast of the movie 300) and is also a accomplished mountain climber.
" The training we do is the consequence of attitude. The attitude is the meaningful fundamental; without it, no benefits may be realized. You must want (or need) to be where you are, doing what your doing. If you can't pay attention or if you don't want to work hard, don't bother showing up to go through the motions. Nothing is gained by doing one thing with your body and another with your mind." Mark Twight
How many times have you forced yourself to do something your mind is not really into? What did you gain from doing it? What was the outcome? The above quote rang so true to me. How many years have I spent going through the motions while my mind wandered endlessly? How many hours, days, months of my life did I waste when my mind and body couldn't or didn't want to work together?
Is mind over matter fact or fiction? For me, it is fact. I have learned that my mind is a very powerful thing. Each thought you think, each word you say, impacts your all aspects of your life. We all have bad days, days where you don't want to work, go out, clean, work out etc...but in the mist of those days, you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off , and remember that your the only one who could put good thoughts in your mind, your the only one who can choose how you feel. If you change your mind your body and life will follow.
Try it, take a look at yourself, say something good about yourself , feel happy and grateful that God made you different from everyone else, because I know that no matter what, I wouldn't want to be anyone but me, besides, everyone else is already taken.
On a different note, Gossip Girl returned on Monday night - I was so disturbed by what happened, and how the whole episode made my head spin...geeze, I thought the -30 weather we had here froze the brains of the writers of that episode, better pick up your socks writers...otherwise I am coming after you with a headband!
HAGO!
xoxox
BT&HB
" The training we do is the consequence of attitude. The attitude is the meaningful fundamental; without it, no benefits may be realized. You must want (or need) to be where you are, doing what your doing. If you can't pay attention or if you don't want to work hard, don't bother showing up to go through the motions. Nothing is gained by doing one thing with your body and another with your mind." Mark Twight
How many times have you forced yourself to do something your mind is not really into? What did you gain from doing it? What was the outcome? The above quote rang so true to me. How many years have I spent going through the motions while my mind wandered endlessly? How many hours, days, months of my life did I waste when my mind and body couldn't or didn't want to work together?
Is mind over matter fact or fiction? For me, it is fact. I have learned that my mind is a very powerful thing. Each thought you think, each word you say, impacts your all aspects of your life. We all have bad days, days where you don't want to work, go out, clean, work out etc...but in the mist of those days, you must pick yourself up, dust yourself off , and remember that your the only one who could put good thoughts in your mind, your the only one who can choose how you feel. If you change your mind your body and life will follow.
Try it, take a look at yourself, say something good about yourself , feel happy and grateful that God made you different from everyone else, because I know that no matter what, I wouldn't want to be anyone but me, besides, everyone else is already taken.
On a different note, Gossip Girl returned on Monday night - I was so disturbed by what happened, and how the whole episode made my head spin...geeze, I thought the -30 weather we had here froze the brains of the writers of that episode, better pick up your socks writers...otherwise I am coming after you with a headband!
HAGO!
xoxox
BT&HB
Monday, January 24, 2011
To Ponder ....in my spare time
I sometimes wonder, if other people sit and think about answers to things that we encounter everyday, that are just...mind bending, strange, not normal, insane, weird, eye-opening, the "ah" moment, or just plain stupid. Here are a few that use to make me think I was not normal, until I realized, I can't figure everything out...
1. Why does every fitness magazine/trainer/website/book etc..tell you to do 12-15 reps of an exercise? Why not 13-16? Is it bad luck, like 13 at dinner?
2. Why when people ask you something let's say, "did you delete my printing from the printer?" and I reply no, do they ask me if I am sure..bugs the living daylights out of me...why ask me if you don't believe me?
3. Your boss telling you that she asked/showed/told you to do something when she clearly did not ...and when you tell her so, throws it back at you like your the one that has an extra hole in your head and your brain escaped from it ...hence, causing you to forget
4. Leggings/Jeggings - why do people think tights are pants?
5. Why when the left side of your neck hurts, it is the right side that is tight?
6. Why did Gossip Girl take a 7 week break??? WTF? the torture is almost over, but still why?
7. When your happy, why can't other people be happy for you? Why must they try to bring you down to the depth of their own personal hell ?
8.When a police man pulls you over for speeding, do they ask you if you knew how fast you were going? If I knew, I wouldn't have been speeding now would I?
9. Why do teenagers walk like that are a corpse from a Tim Burton movie?
10. Why do the slow drivers drive in the left lane? First thing they teach you- slow stick to the right, trucks in the middle lane, and fast drivers in the left...why are your breaking my palle?
11.Why do people ask me if my hair is naturally curly, I have yet to see a perm look like my hair..
12. Why when your six, do you automatically know everything?
13.Why when your 30, do you automatically think you know nothing at all?
14.Why do people laugh at what I say - when I am not even being funny? HAHAHA
15.Why do people ask me if my car is a "family" car? I work, what a dumbass question, but Why?
I have a bunch more - but my new path of thinking, the above is not a statement of complaint , just things that make me want to grab the person and tell them that I didn't get to this point in my life, know what I know, and have done what I did, by lying, cheating, googling it, checking on line, facebook, or waiting for mommy or daddy to get me a job or buy me a car...I got to this blissful point in my life because of hard work , faith and positive thinking..I drive in the fast lane, have naturally curly hair, tights are not pants, you want to be miserable, fine by me.
Remember friends to quote Wayne Dyer ..." the way people treat you is their karma, the way your react is yours .." Very true.
Gossip Girl returns tonight - 7 weeks of waiting are over! Check in with me tomorrow as I start my own recap of the show!
xoxo
BT&HB
1. Why does every fitness magazine/trainer/website/book etc..tell you to do 12-15 reps of an exercise? Why not 13-16? Is it bad luck, like 13 at dinner?
2. Why when people ask you something let's say, "did you delete my printing from the printer?" and I reply no, do they ask me if I am sure..bugs the living daylights out of me...why ask me if you don't believe me?
3. Your boss telling you that she asked/showed/told you to do something when she clearly did not ...and when you tell her so, throws it back at you like your the one that has an extra hole in your head and your brain escaped from it ...hence, causing you to forget
4. Leggings/Jeggings - why do people think tights are pants?
5. Why when the left side of your neck hurts, it is the right side that is tight?
6. Why did Gossip Girl take a 7 week break??? WTF? the torture is almost over, but still why?
7. When your happy, why can't other people be happy for you? Why must they try to bring you down to the depth of their own personal hell ?
8.When a police man pulls you over for speeding, do they ask you if you knew how fast you were going? If I knew, I wouldn't have been speeding now would I?
9. Why do teenagers walk like that are a corpse from a Tim Burton movie?
10. Why do the slow drivers drive in the left lane? First thing they teach you- slow stick to the right, trucks in the middle lane, and fast drivers in the left...why are your breaking my palle?
11.Why do people ask me if my hair is naturally curly, I have yet to see a perm look like my hair..
12. Why when your six, do you automatically know everything?
13.Why when your 30, do you automatically think you know nothing at all?
14.Why do people laugh at what I say - when I am not even being funny? HAHAHA
15.Why do people ask me if my car is a "family" car? I work, what a dumbass question, but Why?
I have a bunch more - but my new path of thinking, the above is not a statement of complaint , just things that make me want to grab the person and tell them that I didn't get to this point in my life, know what I know, and have done what I did, by lying, cheating, googling it, checking on line, facebook, or waiting for mommy or daddy to get me a job or buy me a car...I got to this blissful point in my life because of hard work , faith and positive thinking..I drive in the fast lane, have naturally curly hair, tights are not pants, you want to be miserable, fine by me.
Remember friends to quote Wayne Dyer ..." the way people treat you is their karma, the way your react is yours .." Very true.
Gossip Girl returns tonight - 7 weeks of waiting are over! Check in with me tomorrow as I start my own recap of the show!
xoxo
BT&HB
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