Last couple of weeks I have been filled with anger and hate...and some rage. Rage at the wrong people, hate for the right ones ...and anger towards myself.
When I feel like this, it physically makes me sick. I can't eat, I sleep though..like the dead, my hair gets dry and doesn't curl right, have no desire to do anything, not working out, work or even yoga sometimes ....nothing is helping me get past this stupid heart break. I stopped to ask myself why, why is it harder this time around, until this past weekend I didn't see..but now I do. It wasn't the break-up per say that hurt, that I totally understand and accept..but how V chose to break it off and how he treated me and how he treats me now...worst than a stranger or a whore...all the while, I did nothing but respect him, love him and give a shit about him...really, royally pissed me off. Why would someone who less than two weeks ago told you they loved you turn and treat you worst than an enemy?? Well, I call it the coward way out..and also RUDE!
I called him on this...cause we have been in contact, however this past weekend I couldn't take it anymore - so when he rudely answered my text ...I let him have it. Standing up for myself in that way, while this whole time I was sparing him the stress and cared about his "space", all the while he didn't give two shits about mine, so I turned the table..yup, answered right back and told him...from now on, I will treat you, just how you treat me...let's see if you like it. Example, by mistake I sent a text that was not meant for him to him...when I realized what I had done...I texted him and told him.." that was not meant for you, I noticed now who I sent it to." his response.." I figured that out G" ...my response, " too bad I didn't figure it out sooner when we were dating that some text you sent me, clearly weren't meant for me.." his response, " why are you being like this??" " Like what??" you don't like being treated and reminded that your a testa di cazzo? ( dickhead for my English friends). You would all be proud to know...i did not answer his question. I know, it is all game playing..but I am tried and he deserves it. Let him see how it feels not to get a response, let him wonder now if I give a shit...let him...grow the efff-up!
My good friend said to me today...some people are compassionate and nice, and they get the same in return, but for some people, God is like..." na, not for you, your going to have life lessons and learn from them.." What did I learn from this?? Well I learned....
* Believe them the first time
* Know your self worth and your more valuable than any thing else
* Being nice all the time, can sometimes work against you
* Love is power and hate is not ...
* I might be down right now....but I am not out.
All my life, the struggles have not been easy, but not hard either ...no matter what the lesson was or how many times I had to cry myself to sleep for not just heartbreak, but the lack of human compassion...I never, ever gave up ...or lost hope. I am my mother's daughter ...and her struggles alone...would bring even the strongest, most powerful man...to his knees.
xoxo
BT&HB
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Believe Them The First Time.
" When someone shows you how they are, believe them the first time..."
My sister told me that she heard this on the Oprah show, and that day changed her life. That show was about relationships, not just romantic relationships, all types. The more I think about what she said, now more than ever it makes sense.
Do you believe when someone shows you their true colours but you talk yourself out of it? Has someone talked you out of it? I did both, and it pains me to say...my heart is broken and bleeding, I am angry, sad, hurt and utterly beside myself with pain, betrayed, let-down, played, and just so sad.....my head has been hurting for weeks. I talked myself out of the text messages during the wee hours of the morning, talked myself out of his increasing strange behaviour, talked myself out of why he had to hide his phone from me or move when I came close., why after 6 months did his facebook page still say single and he had yet to mention me on it..I let him talk me out of leaving him, not once, but three times, he talked me out of it by telling me there was nothing to worry about, I am the one that he wants and there was no one else, he talked me out of my doubts, by making it look like I was the one that was behaving doubtful...in the end, he left, he left me because he loved me and didn't want to hurt me....Bullshit! bullshit,bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It all came to head, because I am the first person to ever question his actions, and hold him accountable. I didn't like to be treated like an old fool, but the stuff that was said and the true reason he didn't want to hurt me, was because of his addiction...when he told me about his addiction, he cried like a little boy, years of holding it in and never telling anyone, and no one knows but yours truly...was just too much. At that moment, I could not judge him, or be angry, even though his confession sickened me right to my core...because we all have secrets, some more shocking than others. I sensed him wanting me to leave, and wanting me to stay at the same time. It turned out that he would prefer to continue his addiction instead of seeking help, instead of being with one person who actually gave a shit about him...but when you don't know what it is like...you feel like you don't deserve it.
I have cried, wasted a whole week torn and waiting ( yes, I waited) only to be told on my birthday...that he never had any intention of calling me ever again...adult males reading this ( and I mean anyone 27 and over) ...never do this! Give the woman respect as an adult, to tell her straight and to her face, I had an ex-boyfriend when I was 19 tell me that he will call me when he is ready...many, many years later...that call never came.
This put me down in the dumps. For awhile I was okay, then everything that V reveled to me just came flooding back...and made me sick and angry, angry at myself...for not believing him the first time.
I have done some stupid shit in my time, putting myself out there and believing people no matter what they say...but one thing for sure, even with all the failed dates, rejected phone calls, failed relationships, the weirdo's, the nice guys, the I love you, I want to build my life with you, false hope and dreams and desires ....I am never going to give up hope.
xoxo
BT&HB
My sister told me that she heard this on the Oprah show, and that day changed her life. That show was about relationships, not just romantic relationships, all types. The more I think about what she said, now more than ever it makes sense.
Do you believe when someone shows you their true colours but you talk yourself out of it? Has someone talked you out of it? I did both, and it pains me to say...my heart is broken and bleeding, I am angry, sad, hurt and utterly beside myself with pain, betrayed, let-down, played, and just so sad.....my head has been hurting for weeks. I talked myself out of the text messages during the wee hours of the morning, talked myself out of his increasing strange behaviour, talked myself out of why he had to hide his phone from me or move when I came close., why after 6 months did his facebook page still say single and he had yet to mention me on it..I let him talk me out of leaving him, not once, but three times, he talked me out of it by telling me there was nothing to worry about, I am the one that he wants and there was no one else, he talked me out of my doubts, by making it look like I was the one that was behaving doubtful...in the end, he left, he left me because he loved me and didn't want to hurt me....Bullshit! bullshit,bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It all came to head, because I am the first person to ever question his actions, and hold him accountable. I didn't like to be treated like an old fool, but the stuff that was said and the true reason he didn't want to hurt me, was because of his addiction...when he told me about his addiction, he cried like a little boy, years of holding it in and never telling anyone, and no one knows but yours truly...was just too much. At that moment, I could not judge him, or be angry, even though his confession sickened me right to my core...because we all have secrets, some more shocking than others. I sensed him wanting me to leave, and wanting me to stay at the same time. It turned out that he would prefer to continue his addiction instead of seeking help, instead of being with one person who actually gave a shit about him...but when you don't know what it is like...you feel like you don't deserve it.
I have cried, wasted a whole week torn and waiting ( yes, I waited) only to be told on my birthday...that he never had any intention of calling me ever again...adult males reading this ( and I mean anyone 27 and over) ...never do this! Give the woman respect as an adult, to tell her straight and to her face, I had an ex-boyfriend when I was 19 tell me that he will call me when he is ready...many, many years later...that call never came.
This put me down in the dumps. For awhile I was okay, then everything that V reveled to me just came flooding back...and made me sick and angry, angry at myself...for not believing him the first time.
I have done some stupid shit in my time, putting myself out there and believing people no matter what they say...but one thing for sure, even with all the failed dates, rejected phone calls, failed relationships, the weirdo's, the nice guys, the I love you, I want to build my life with you, false hope and dreams and desires ....I am never going to give up hope.
xoxo
BT&HB
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