Why I Write.

" We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." - Anais Nin


I am not an inspiring author, nor did I ever think that I would put so much of my life out in the open for everyone to see.  Why did I start to write? Why did I chose this platform to release myself from the stories of my pass? Why? Today I realized why...because even if no one reads my work, it allows me to feel lighter and more at peace.

I always lived in my head.  For too long, every year and everything that ever happened was crowded one on top of the other inside of my head ...after awhile, it got to heavy to carry anymore - my head hurt to the point where I spent two years with a constant headache, I think back now and know that by the grace of God, I got through those years. 

Some of us don't ever really say what we truly want to say, we don't want hurt people, ourselves or admit the truth.  The truth is...I have been holding on to so many words, comments and hurts that they have affected me physically.  It is like I am holding on to the last 10 pounds and can't shake them...but it is time for them to go, I don't fear speaking my mind anymore...and I promised that my truth, will be the kind truth, because I have a voice, and it is ready to be heard.

One thing that weighs on me, is how am I suppose to go from someone who over the years failed to get her feeling and needs across, to someone who know what she wants and is not afraid to ask for it? I realized that what I thought was my best, just isn't good enough for me anymore.  It is time, and this is my time.

I write because I love the feeling.  No matter if it is an email, text, a work letter, blog or my weekly check in with my coach, placing what is in my heart on paper...heals me, I just love the feeling.  I keep a journal, and I write on occasion, and I have been told that what I have written on my blog is beautiful, helpful and very inspiring.  I guess because I write from my heart, and I write because I have been there and have lived though it ...we are never alone, when we read words written from the heart of another. 

It is true what Anais Nin said in her quote about, when you write about your life, you taste it twice, so it is up to you how it will taste the second time around.

XOXO
BT&HB

Stop and Sort Out Your Life...

"We all need to just stop.  Stop and sort out our lives." - Unknown March 2013

For all that is good and right in my life, there is still so much that is not.  Today wasn't as bad as yesterday - but I still feel unsettled, or ungrounded.  I can't for the life of me today put my finger on why, until tonight.  I was just checking in one of my favorite websites that I check daily, and there was the quote above.  It was posted in reference to hurting other people when your hurt, you should stop and sort out your life.  For me it had a totally different meaning.

I went to see a reiki master a couple of months ago.  He has 25 years of experience and is upon meeting him an clam and beautiful man ( as are all healers - Angie you know I love you!).  He said somethings to me that have walked with me, sat with me and stayed with me since that day.  He told me that I have been walking around in a fog all my life, and that I am very ambitious and creative ( not something I didn't know, but still) - he also added that just as I am about to step over the wall and reach my goal - I slide right back down to the bottom.  What is it that is holding me back?  What and why in the name of all that is holy do I do this?  The answer??  I have to stop, and sort out my life. 

I never really sat and wrote out all that is good in my life and what I feel is not ( nothing is bad or good, it is just how you look at it and if you see that life is meant to move forward and keep moving), so I am going to do just that tonight...I am going to stop, and sort out my life.

I know where I need to make changes, I know what I love and what I am passionate about.  I know where I cut myself short, and where I can do better - I know where I take too much and don't give enough back, where I have talent, and how I can not only help myself, but a passion to help others.  I know and believe that I have all that I need to fight this fight, to be the best me, to be that woman that I envisioned all those years ago.  Life happened as it should, I had to be that person back then, because that was who I was suppose to be at that time of my life, in order to bring me where I am today. 

Nothing scares me more that being like this - feeling lost in a very dense fog, alone and no one understanding, slowly, all the people I thought I could talk to, I see now that I can't any longer - maybe I have out grown them, maybe they just don't know what to tell me anymore ...but this I know, for how ungrounded I felt today, for how alone I felt yesterday and for how scared this feeling makes me feel inside ....nothing can hurt me, no one can keep me down ...but me.

I am going to do this, time for me to get out of this fog, I have been here long enough, I found my light and it is leading me out of the fog and into a bright beautiful world.

xoxo
BT&HB

Your Right Path...

" What visions have you created lately that can stoke your ambition and fee your heart? Take time today to think about what you want -- in your love life, your career, or your personal development.  The universe is waiting for you to tell it what you want for yourself, so it can help put you on the right path."  - horoscope March 3, 2013

I always enjoyed reading horoscopes, I don't take them literally, but sometimes what I read either that day or a day later - sometimes makes perfect sense.  When I read the above, I was floored.  I have been meditating on what I want from life and for myself - but I am thinking from the end, as if I am already there.  I sometimes can't see myself clearly, but that is okay, because I can feel what it is like.  Feeling and picturing yourself as you imagined is very powerful.  It allows you to hope, have faith, and do your best to get there.  There are many things I want for myself, but I find some days that I don't feel strong enough to see them through.  Then I remember all the times that the universe has put things in my way at just the right time.  Nothing just happens, your thoughts make your life...what you think and put out there, comes back to you.

I took a long look at myself and my life the last year, and I saw more and more -that how I thought brought all that to me, but I also saw how when I was ready to take the next step, or crawl out of the hole I dug for myself - there was a helping hand.  Either from a book, a person, a word, a movie, or just praying to God ...I found my next step to healing.  When you chose to heal you open yourself up to facing a lot of demons, and it is not always pretty.  I will be honest, I thought I would not suffer anymore starting on this path to being better than I was yesterday, taking control of my health, my thoughts and my life ...but it is sometimes like a near death experience.  Today is one of those days, I felt amazing yesterday, I ate well, worked out hard, enjoyed my time with my family - and then today..BOOM, I felt knocked down, like I was hit with a wrecking ball. 

I kept hearing the same thing today but in different ways, and what was it I kept hearing?? That changing your physically form to out run your demons will not work, unless you change your mind set.  That is the thorn in my side, that no matter how much I have changed my thoughts and mind...the doubt is still there, the fear is still in me, and slowly, with each day, the grip it has on me is getting weaker, and the ego part of me wants to hold on, but the new me...is stronger than the old me every was.

I don't know what or who I will find on this path of life, but I do know, that I accept what happens each day, I practice gratitude, and trust in God.

XOXO
BT&HB