After a very pleasant weekend, with some confusion and frustration on my part...the three words, eight letters were spoken by V and I. There was no fireworks, roses, candle light or heroic rescue or any other bullshit the media feeds us...it was just me and V, two drinks from Starbucks and a brownie between us sitting in the cab of his truck.
I was ready to tell him that I no longer wanted to see him, that I couldn't handle somethings that just bothered the fuck out of me ( excuse my language...I just can't sugar coat it). I told him firmly and softly that I needed his undivided attention and that it was important. We met and I spilled it..everything, from how he is always tired, the constant text message from his "friends" that are girls..the fact that he totally ignores me when he gets them, and carries on the conversations without even thinking that I am sitting right there while the time we have together is ticking away while he talks to these people, girls or guys...and most importantly, how I felt like a fool, an old fool...for sitting there with all this love in my heart for him..while it felt like I was getting sucker punched by him...instead of love.
His eyes weren't happy when I told him that I cried the whole way home on Sunday night, or how everything looks when he does what he does, and how it hurts that he would rather share things with these friends instead of me. I told him, I don't know about your past and it doesn't matter, but if you want me to be a part of your future, you have to make me understand, you have to explain this all to me. He took my face in his hands and said that there is no one else and it is only me. The thing that he loves about me is my voice..it grabbed hold of him the first moment he heard it and he has been wanting to tell me he loves me for awhile now, but every time I would show up...he would take one look at me and in his words..." just get all retarded and clam up..you render me mute amore.." I know, your all thinking of course he is going to say he loves you, cause you just gave him shit...not true, he said those words to me after I gave him shit, and to be honest, if he was an ass wipe, would be easy for him to shut me down right there and then and tell me he doesn't care.
I learned a lot last night, about myself and about V. I learned that we were both scared, and that everything is not what it seems, that guys have wounds just like girls..and that if you talk things through instead of ignoring them or running, love will find you worthy and directs your course. Love found us both worthy...and has set us upon our course....together.
xoxo
BT&HB
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