Like Glass In The Head....

" To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes.


I have noticed a increase in how people will blame everyone and everything for the way their life is.  It is like glass in my head.  I know that I have written some depressing stuff on my blog over the years, I know that I bring up the same people and things...but in doing so, I was able to forgive, wish them well - wish myself well...pack up the past and live in the now.

Daily I send love to those that are no longer in my life.  I pray for those who did ill against me, I pray for my soul, for my heart and for God to allow me to love others, as I have grown to love myself.

I was angry for a long time, it just doesn't fit who I am anymore...but, what makes me sad, are the ones who keep bemoaning their misfortune - many years after the event.  If a person who caused you pain is still in your life; talk to them! Don't go on-line and beg for people to feel sorry for you.  I did this too, but to my friends and family for years.  I am surprised that they still talk to me considering how miserable I was, but it taught me to be more compassionate to others.  Why is it that I can see so clearly what others are hiding behind?

People don't like change, nor do they like to take an honest look in the mirror anymore. We has a human race have given birth to cowards,  cowards to face others, to say how we feel (even though some say too much about how they feel), and the worst of all, is we have become cowards to face our true selves.

It hurts my heart, and I pray that all of us, find in time - the courage to face our true selves.

xoxo
G 

Time To Come Clean...

"I expect a change...for the better." - Unknown

Been awhile since I have shared stories from my journey.  Much has happened, while at the same time staying the same.  I am not the person I use to be, nor I am the girl who started this blog 4 years ago.  When I started writing, I used it as a platform to get my thoughts and feelings out, all the while protecting not only my own identity, but also those of who I wrote about.  If I gave away my name, those out there would one day stumble upon my blog, and what would they think?  How would they react? That I will never know, nor do I care ...because the things I shared are true, and can't be changed. 

It took me awhile to get here - but it is time that I move forward.  I don't want to feel the way I do, nor to I want to continue to be embarrassed of my past or who I am.  I hid for too long.  For the last couple of weeks I have been really happy, then unhappy - up, down, sick not sick...lean, not so lean ...I was so sick of this bullshit, honestly I was ready to give up. 

When something is bothering me I dream, when I am not certain what to do, I pray and the answer comes...it came last night in a dream - the man who made me feel weak, worthless and so ugly for so long, and after 8 years...showed up.  In my dream he was much like I remember him, and he spoke - when he spoke, how I use to feel around him and how I felt for 7 years...came back.  He showed his face quickly, and spoke fast - but like all the scars he left me with - the words stung and at the same time made sense. 

He was there to remind me what it use to feel like to be weak, not heard and hating myself, he reminded me of the courage I had to leave him - and the struggles it took to get my life back.  My life didn't turn out as I thought it would (but who's does), but I realized I can't hide anymore...it is time for me to come out of the shadows, be who I dream of being, do what I love and do what I say.  I can do it , and I will. 

I think it is time for me to move this blog to another title and platform - one where everyone will know me, where they can ask advice and I will gladly give.  One where I no longer have to hide, I will be free to be me.

I haven't set the blog up yet, and I won't share the address here - but as with this blog, I write from my heart and how I speak.  If anything, I hope this blog has given people hope, faith and belief in love and life - never give up, never stop, never let anyone even yourself stop you for doing what you love, and being who you are.

I loved my ex, and I know he loved me in his own way, but how could it have lasted ....if we as individuals, didn't love and know ourselves at the time??

So, I leave you with this thought - follow your gut, love who you are, be happy no matter what is going on around you - always believe in God and yourself, don't over think things just let it be - you will find love and be loved.

xoxo
G
 

The Web We Weave.

Omen - an occurrence or phenomenon believed to portend to a future even.  - Webster's Dictionary

I keep  seeing spiders everywhere.  It is the time of the year when they are more visible, they come in from the outside, sneak up on you when you least expect it, one second they are there - the next they are gone.  Why am I talking about spider's?? Because after watching Spider Man 3, seeing one yesterday and one falling right in front of my computer this morning - I take it as an omen.

The spiritual meaning of a spider is the following:
 Spider - Weaver
    " As spider weaves her web so we weave our realities. This medicine teaches to remember that we are the creators of our lives, that we ARE the creators of our lives."

The spider this morning that literally fell  right in front of my keyboard...made my choice for me today.  I was unsure if I should see my ex V tonight.  Long story short, how many of us have the chance to face our ex's after some time and under friendly terms?  How many of us would? I thought to myself that I can handle it, I don't love him that way anymore and I am a grown woman, but what could actually come of this?? Would I say what I wanted to say?  Would I tell him that it didn't hurt that he didn't want to be with me, but the asshole way he did it? Would I feel the same way I did when I was with him? These are all things that would come and go out of my mind...and finally the spider came along.

The spider reminded me that I am the weaver of my life, that I have a choice; to weave the same pattern of my past - or move forward and weave the life I was meant to live.  I have said it so many times, nothing that is said or done, can change what has come to past. 

 As much as the old me would dream of the day to be able to stand in front of a man that I have loved and lost and tell them how they treated me broke me, the new me will only stand before one man of my past.  That man is one that I have not mentioned and only few know about.  He is my soul mate and the only one to have respected me, loved me, and was honoured to walk with me on his arm, a true gentleman. If I am going to see a man from my past...the only one it will be is J, because he taught me how to love.

Today made me see that if I am going to weave a web for my future, it is going to look like the web that J and I weaved together, we had hope, love, passion, friendship ..respect.  All the  things that I have been missing since him. Today, I found the courage to not use the old pattern ..but to weave a new one.

XOXO
BT&HB

For You Francesco...

You came into my mind last night, and even though we parted ways almost 8 years ago, it was this month that year that we started to come undone.  We didn't have a great relationship, it was filled with so many things that were wrong, but so many things that were right. 

Last night I finally understood.  I understood that for all these years I thought I mourned us and you.  But I didn't, I was pretending that I was okay, that I didn't care for you anymore and that what you did to me, to us; gave me a reason to hate you and shut you out of my mind and heart.  That is what has been holding me back, that is what has made me feel that I don't deserve the love and respect of a good man or from myself. 

You broke me in so many ways, but you also loved me.  I finally was able to say it with my heart ...I love you and I miss you.  I forgive you and I forgive myself, because I was responsible for a lot that was wrong in your time together. 

I know you will never read this and that we might never meet again on this earth.  I have no idea if you over came your demons, if you found happiness, if you found love.  All I know is, all the years I spent convincing myself that I didn't love you, I hated you for what you did, I was over you, and I didn't care - the opposite was true.  Admitting that and crying for it ...helped me let it go. 

I remember the last time we spoke, and you were trying so hard to hold on to me by making me jealous, but I said to you...

" I love you, and always will, and one day when I get to heaven, your face will be the one that I will look for."

I mean it...and I know in my heart ...that love never gets used up, just passed on.

I never thanked you Francesco for being a part of my life, and for giving me the chance to admit that even though you were a demon in the eyes of many ...despite everything...all I see and remember, is the smile on your face when we would wake up beside one another.

xoxo
BT&HB

Pain & The New Moon

" Pain is pain and yours is not greater than or less than anybody else's pain and deserves to be acknowledged as such." - From the Daily OM website, April 26, 2013

Well, who knew my father has such insight.  Every morning my father just after eating his breakfast and before heading to work, will visit the website Daily OM to read the message of the day.  I tuned him into this website years ago, I didn't know he still read it, but I know that a lot of the spiritual, intuitive and hunger for answers and understanding in me, come from him.  He called me to show me the message for today - and boy, does it hit right on target with me.

Yesterday was a full/new moon.  The pain I felt yesterday was truly unbearable. I struggled to stay positive and be grateful for everything in my life, but the pain just unleashed a vicious attack, one that left me depleted to the point of anger.  I am not the only one that felt this way, many women felt the effects of the moon on their bodies and minds the past week.  This makes me question, is one pain worst than another?  Or should we be grateful for the pain we experience because their are others out there who are experiencing much worst?? Depends on your mind, and history, and what your going to do about it.

I have had some really rough days, sometimes it is just in my mind, but since I have started meditating and using affirmations daily - I saw clearly that I am using feeling ill or "off" as a reason not to move forward, to take the risk and do something new, to let go of the old me, because the new me is fighting to get out ( and boy, is she strong!).  On the other hand, the old me has been with me forever, and is not going down without a fight ...so the battle is raging, and the moon just made me more aware that the battle began long time ago, and it is time to finish this and see the dawn of a new day, and the new me. 

During my meditations, I was able to see clearly, that staying stuck and feeling ill has been my choice.  There is nothing stopping me but me, if I want to be well, I have to think well.  The mind and body are not two separate things, they are one and the same.  I felt like a ton of bricks this morning, I over slept and could barely brush my teeth.  As I was dressing for work, I thought .." this is it, you have abused your body and mind for long enough, how you thought and what you did back then will not work this time, be strong, believe and get cracking." I don't know how to explain what I feel, but it is a cross between crying with all your heart for God to help you, and the tap on your shoulder from your angels saying.." we are here waiting, and wherever you go or do, we will protect you, so go forward our child". 

I have a long way to go, but I trust that I am where I am suppose to be.  I know what makes me feel good, what makes me smile , what foods I enjoy, what exercise gets me all pumped and feeling like a champ, I know what nurtures my soul, and what heals my heart.  Once you know the answer to those questions...pain won't hurt so bad, and the moon always brings promise of a new day. 

Today, fill your heart with love and forgiveness, for those around you, and more importantly, for yourself.

XOXO
BT&HB

A Letter To My Past

Dear Past,

Thank you for coming to visit, and for staying with me all these years.  I don't want to be rude...but it is time for you to go.  
I can no longer feed you, because your hunger is too great, nor could I listen, because it just breaks my heart each time.  Your not a messy guest, as you keep all my faults, failures and broken hearts in separate containers...but it takes up too much room, room I no longer want to give you.  Don't get me wrong, you paid your keep...because it was not all bad.  You allowed me to stand on my own two feet, find my voice, gave me courage, and allowed me to have faith in myself, allowed me to believe in love and love again..but the space that you occupy is too small for both of us.  

I wish there was a way that I could keep you, but I can't - see, I became dependant on you to keep me from moving forward.  Don't get me wrong, I won't forget all the good and the lessons and love - I will visit you, but only to remember with a smile at all the laughter and love ...not with regret and fear.   

It is time for me to stop holding on to you, nothing will change what happened then, I accept that it is what it is and no one is to blame, no amount of crying, thinking, praying dreaming - will change what has come to pass.  You are a familiar face, one that I wish I could go back to with the wisdom I have today, but life is about change and letting go..I tried hard to be able to hold on to you and still move forward with my dreams and goals..but you are too heavy, and I am tried,and I think your tired too.

When I looked in the mirror this morning, I didn't recognize the woman I saw - because she has changed..the mask I put on all those years ago to protect you and me, is peeling away..I am scared to go on without you - but I have survived what I thought I couldn't...and you gave me that strength, and for that I will always be grateful.

Please know that I know you protected me when I needed it, knocked me down so I could get back up, pushed me so I could see the fighter in me, you tested me..and I think you have been waiting for me to let go longer than I have been wanting to.

It is time for this letter to come to a close, time to clear out your space and enjoy this beautiful fine day...time to close that door and open the window ...because the day is waiting...and one thing you taught me all those years ago, is to never give up...because right when you do, that is when you miss the beauty of being alive.  

Ti amo sempre.
G

Many Lives, Many Masters & Many Lessons.

"We all have lessons to learn in this school called Earth. We need to comprehend completely the concepts of compassion, love, non-violence, non-judgment, non-prejudice, patience, generosity and charity and hope." - Many Lives, Many Masters - Brian L. Weiss, M.D.

I must confess, despite my best efforts to eat well, train daily, practice  gratitude, meditate, and pray...I get sick.  It hits me literally overnight.  I wake up, and boom - I ache like a 90 year old woman, my head feels like it is going to explode, and I am so emotional.  I have gone to the doctor's there is nothing physically wrong with me and I am in the best of health.  So what gives, until today the pieces didn't fit...but now they do.

For the last year or so, I was getting sick on certain days, or seemed like every three days.  It would move from Sunday to Monday, Friday, in really bad times it would last a whole weekend, I tried not to let it stop me from living my day to the fullest, but it is painful, as yesterday was.  I woke up this morning and it is as if the sky had open ( indeed it did, it was a new day), I felt calm, pain free and so alive.  And then I noticed a pattern, I was ill on the same day last week - and the next day I had been given insight on what the next step in my path would be, today same thing..what came to me today gave me happiness and courage, the words flashed in my mind ....don't control your body, adore it. 

Those simple words spoke volumes to me, I have been trying all my life to control my body, how it looks, moves, feels..we all have done this, but my lesson this time on earth, is to not control it, but adore it.  By me adoring my body, it will return to it's natural state. It will work with me rather than against me...it deserves all the respect and love in the world, because it is a beautiful creation from God, we only have one in this life time - so treat it well.

On another note, my naturopath suggested I read "Many Lives, Many Masters" by Brian L. Weiss, M.D.  When he said this, I rolled my eyes...I just finished telling him that I don't want to read anymore self-help books.  He looked at me and said..." this book your ready for, it is life changing, read it."  So, like the good little girl I am, I bought it that day ( Tuesday) I was done yesterday.  It is not a big book; only 220 pages or so...but the story - blew me away.  I am going to re-read it this weekend and make notes, I urge all of you to read this book.  This is a prime example of " reading between the lines" - it helped me in the last few days, to understand that - the days that I suffer, is a way for me to gain insight the next day, to repay karmic debt, to grow, to learn and to live..it could not have come at a better time, because I didn't know where else to turn with this pain and the thought of living the rest of my life like this, was just too much to bear. It gave me hope, put a smile on my face and a spring in my step.  Buy it , read it, learn from it and grow.

I will leave you with this paragraph in the book where the author paraphrases the mystic Teilhard de Chardin:

" We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." Our bodies are temporary.  We are souls. We are immortal; we are eternal. We never die; we merely transform to a heightened state of consciousness, no longer needing a physical body.  We are always loved, we  are never alone, and we can never be harmed, not at this level.

I see and understand now, through pain, there is healing, through hurt there is love, through the darkness - there is always light, and that is the light you are to this world.

XOXO
BT&HB

Why I Write.

" We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." - Anais Nin


I am not an inspiring author, nor did I ever think that I would put so much of my life out in the open for everyone to see.  Why did I start to write? Why did I chose this platform to release myself from the stories of my pass? Why? Today I realized why...because even if no one reads my work, it allows me to feel lighter and more at peace.

I always lived in my head.  For too long, every year and everything that ever happened was crowded one on top of the other inside of my head ...after awhile, it got to heavy to carry anymore - my head hurt to the point where I spent two years with a constant headache, I think back now and know that by the grace of God, I got through those years. 

Some of us don't ever really say what we truly want to say, we don't want hurt people, ourselves or admit the truth.  The truth is...I have been holding on to so many words, comments and hurts that they have affected me physically.  It is like I am holding on to the last 10 pounds and can't shake them...but it is time for them to go, I don't fear speaking my mind anymore...and I promised that my truth, will be the kind truth, because I have a voice, and it is ready to be heard.

One thing that weighs on me, is how am I suppose to go from someone who over the years failed to get her feeling and needs across, to someone who know what she wants and is not afraid to ask for it? I realized that what I thought was my best, just isn't good enough for me anymore.  It is time, and this is my time.

I write because I love the feeling.  No matter if it is an email, text, a work letter, blog or my weekly check in with my coach, placing what is in my heart on paper...heals me, I just love the feeling.  I keep a journal, and I write on occasion, and I have been told that what I have written on my blog is beautiful, helpful and very inspiring.  I guess because I write from my heart, and I write because I have been there and have lived though it ...we are never alone, when we read words written from the heart of another. 

It is true what Anais Nin said in her quote about, when you write about your life, you taste it twice, so it is up to you how it will taste the second time around.

XOXO
BT&HB

Stop and Sort Out Your Life...

"We all need to just stop.  Stop and sort out our lives." - Unknown March 2013

For all that is good and right in my life, there is still so much that is not.  Today wasn't as bad as yesterday - but I still feel unsettled, or ungrounded.  I can't for the life of me today put my finger on why, until tonight.  I was just checking in one of my favorite websites that I check daily, and there was the quote above.  It was posted in reference to hurting other people when your hurt, you should stop and sort out your life.  For me it had a totally different meaning.

I went to see a reiki master a couple of months ago.  He has 25 years of experience and is upon meeting him an clam and beautiful man ( as are all healers - Angie you know I love you!).  He said somethings to me that have walked with me, sat with me and stayed with me since that day.  He told me that I have been walking around in a fog all my life, and that I am very ambitious and creative ( not something I didn't know, but still) - he also added that just as I am about to step over the wall and reach my goal - I slide right back down to the bottom.  What is it that is holding me back?  What and why in the name of all that is holy do I do this?  The answer??  I have to stop, and sort out my life. 

I never really sat and wrote out all that is good in my life and what I feel is not ( nothing is bad or good, it is just how you look at it and if you see that life is meant to move forward and keep moving), so I am going to do just that tonight...I am going to stop, and sort out my life.

I know where I need to make changes, I know what I love and what I am passionate about.  I know where I cut myself short, and where I can do better - I know where I take too much and don't give enough back, where I have talent, and how I can not only help myself, but a passion to help others.  I know and believe that I have all that I need to fight this fight, to be the best me, to be that woman that I envisioned all those years ago.  Life happened as it should, I had to be that person back then, because that was who I was suppose to be at that time of my life, in order to bring me where I am today. 

Nothing scares me more that being like this - feeling lost in a very dense fog, alone and no one understanding, slowly, all the people I thought I could talk to, I see now that I can't any longer - maybe I have out grown them, maybe they just don't know what to tell me anymore ...but this I know, for how ungrounded I felt today, for how alone I felt yesterday and for how scared this feeling makes me feel inside ....nothing can hurt me, no one can keep me down ...but me.

I am going to do this, time for me to get out of this fog, I have been here long enough, I found my light and it is leading me out of the fog and into a bright beautiful world.

xoxo
BT&HB

Your Right Path...

" What visions have you created lately that can stoke your ambition and fee your heart? Take time today to think about what you want -- in your love life, your career, or your personal development.  The universe is waiting for you to tell it what you want for yourself, so it can help put you on the right path."  - horoscope March 3, 2013

I always enjoyed reading horoscopes, I don't take them literally, but sometimes what I read either that day or a day later - sometimes makes perfect sense.  When I read the above, I was floored.  I have been meditating on what I want from life and for myself - but I am thinking from the end, as if I am already there.  I sometimes can't see myself clearly, but that is okay, because I can feel what it is like.  Feeling and picturing yourself as you imagined is very powerful.  It allows you to hope, have faith, and do your best to get there.  There are many things I want for myself, but I find some days that I don't feel strong enough to see them through.  Then I remember all the times that the universe has put things in my way at just the right time.  Nothing just happens, your thoughts make your life...what you think and put out there, comes back to you.

I took a long look at myself and my life the last year, and I saw more and more -that how I thought brought all that to me, but I also saw how when I was ready to take the next step, or crawl out of the hole I dug for myself - there was a helping hand.  Either from a book, a person, a word, a movie, or just praying to God ...I found my next step to healing.  When you chose to heal you open yourself up to facing a lot of demons, and it is not always pretty.  I will be honest, I thought I would not suffer anymore starting on this path to being better than I was yesterday, taking control of my health, my thoughts and my life ...but it is sometimes like a near death experience.  Today is one of those days, I felt amazing yesterday, I ate well, worked out hard, enjoyed my time with my family - and then today..BOOM, I felt knocked down, like I was hit with a wrecking ball. 

I kept hearing the same thing today but in different ways, and what was it I kept hearing?? That changing your physically form to out run your demons will not work, unless you change your mind set.  That is the thorn in my side, that no matter how much I have changed my thoughts and mind...the doubt is still there, the fear is still in me, and slowly, with each day, the grip it has on me is getting weaker, and the ego part of me wants to hold on, but the new me...is stronger than the old me every was.

I don't know what or who I will find on this path of life, but I do know, that I accept what happens each day, I practice gratitude, and trust in God.

XOXO
BT&HB