Lately, I have been smelling coffee ( even when there is none brewing), I looked up what this meant, and it means literally " wake up and smell the coffee". Wake up to what?, I thought to myself...what am I missing??? The universe is a wonderful place, but I gotta say, has a wicked sense of humour too!
My intuition is spot on, I sometimes get knocked over by how strong the feelings are about things or people...this one has been brewing for days, I didn't know what I needed to wake up to, as everything was going great, I am more at peace with myself , happier, enjoying everyday ( not just pretending to - but actually enjoying it..family is good, friends are great...what am I missing? What am I asleep too??
Today I finally saw what I have been blind or asleep too - something I have been avoiding and that is my work. I enjoy my work and just finished my 10th year with the firm. I am grateful for the firm and I love working for them, but for my manager - not so much. We have had our ups and downs, but with all the self work that I have been doing on myself, I have grown, grown and don't let things bother me as much as they use to ...but she is more blind than I was being.
Today marked the start of a new beginning for me. She told me that I had issues with every one of our direct co-worker ( our department handles payroll and we are only three that work today day in and day out), our most recent one left...and we are in the process of finding another. I was put down and blamed, again..it is me who has drama ( WTF, I haven't spoken one word to her or my coworker in months), and I am the common denominator with all the previous ones and she is scared to death, about how I will get along with the new one. Even after assuring her that she doesn't have anything to worry about, she still kept going on and on about me caring too much about stuff and taking everything personally and not to be so serious, that it is just a job and come in do it and go home.
I came to see, I have bled, sweat, and cried too long for this, I put all my will and fire into proving her wrong, I put too much into everything I do, to ensure that our department and my manager are held in high regard. It stops today- I have something much more important to me to bleed, sweat and cry over, and that is my desire and passion to help others, train people to be the best that they can be, listen and help, care and love...with that conversation, the final click happened. All that I have been reading, doing, talking, meditating and healing is for the wrong reason. I put too much into something and someone that took all but 20 minutes to rip apart all that I have built in all these years.
I was suppose to train tonight - I came home with a mission, a plan, and a need to write out everything on paper ...this is serious, and something that I want to do...won't share yet, but once all my thoughts and plans are finished - I will share them with you and everyone that has been with me through everything.
"Nothing can withstand the power of the human will if it is willing to stake its very existence to the extent of its purpose " Benjamin Disraeli
My belly is on fire, my mind is alight, all systems checked, my willpower and determination - has found it's true path, doubt and fear will not invade me, because I don't doubt myself and fear is nothing without control.
xoxo
BT&HB
