Believe Them The First Time.

" When someone shows you how they are, believe them the first time..."

My sister told me that she heard this on the Oprah show, and that day changed her life.  That show was about relationships, not just romantic relationships, all types.  The more I think about what she said, now more than ever it makes sense. 

Do you believe when someone shows you their true colours but you talk yourself out of it? Has someone talked you out of it? I did both, and it pains me to say...my heart is broken and bleeding, I am angry, sad, hurt and utterly beside myself with pain, betrayed, let-down, played, and just so sad.....my head has been hurting for weeks.  I talked myself out of the text messages during the wee hours of the morning, talked myself out of his increasing strange behaviour, talked myself out of why he had to hide his phone from me or move when I came close., why after 6 months did his facebook page still say single and he had yet to mention me on it..I let him talk me out of leaving him, not once, but three times, he talked me out of it by telling me there was nothing to worry about, I am the one that he wants and there was no one else, he talked me out of my doubts, by making it look like I was the one that was behaving doubtful...in the end, he left, he left me because he loved me and didn't want to hurt me....Bullshit! bullshit,bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It all came to head, because I am the first person to ever question his actions, and hold him accountable.  I didn't like to be treated like an old fool, but the stuff that was said and the true reason he didn't want to hurt me, was because of his addiction...when he told me about his addiction, he cried like a little boy, years of holding it in and never telling anyone, and no one knows but yours truly...was just too much.  At that moment,  I could not judge him, or be angry, even though his confession sickened me right to my core...because we all have secrets, some more shocking than others. I sensed him wanting me to leave, and wanting me to stay at the same time. It turned out that he would prefer to continue his addiction instead of seeking help, instead of being with one person who actually gave a shit about him...but when you don't know what it is like...you feel like you don't deserve it.

I have cried, wasted a whole week torn and waiting ( yes, I waited) only to be told on my birthday...that he never had any intention of calling me ever again...adult males reading this ( and I mean anyone 27 and over) ...never do this! Give the woman respect as an adult, to tell her straight and to her face, I had an ex-boyfriend when I was 19 tell me that he will call me when he is ready...many, many years later...that call never came. 

This put me down in the dumps.  For awhile I was okay, then everything that V reveled to me just came flooding back...and made me sick and angry, angry at myself...for not believing him the first time.

I have done some stupid shit in my time, putting myself out there and believing people no matter what they say...but one thing for sure, even with all the failed dates, rejected phone calls, failed relationships, the weirdo's, the nice guys, the I love you, I want to build my life with you, false hope and dreams and desires ....I am never going to give up hope.

xoxo
BT&HB