Love...Actually

"When you love you should not say, 'God is in my heart', but rather, 'I am in the heart of God'. And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course." from the book, "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran

After a very pleasant weekend, with some confusion and frustration on my part...the three words, eight letters were spoken by V and I.  There was no fireworks, roses, candle light or heroic rescue or any other bullshit the media feeds us...it was just me and V, two drinks from Starbucks and a brownie between us sitting in the cab of his truck. 

I was ready to tell him that I no longer wanted to see him, that I couldn't handle somethings that just bothered the fuck out of me ( excuse my language...I just can't sugar coat it).  I told him firmly and softly that I needed his undivided attention and that it was important.  We met and I spilled it..everything, from how he is always tired, the constant text message from his "friends" that are girls..the fact that he totally ignores me when he gets them, and carries on the conversations without even thinking that I am sitting right there while the time we have together is ticking away while he talks to these people, girls or guys...and most importantly, how I felt like a fool, an old fool...for sitting there with all this love in my heart for him..while it felt like I was getting sucker punched by him...instead of love. 

His eyes weren't happy when I told him that I cried the whole way home on Sunday night, or how everything looks when he does what he does, and how it hurts that he would rather share things with these friends instead of me.  I told him, I don't know about your past and it doesn't matter, but if you want me to be a part of your future, you have to make me understand, you have to explain this all to me.  He took my face in his hands and said that there is no one else and it is only me.  The thing that he loves about me is my voice..it grabbed hold of him the first moment he heard it and he has been wanting to tell me he loves me for awhile now, but every time I would show up...he would take one look at me and in his words..." just get all retarded and clam up..you render me mute amore.." I know, your all thinking of course he is going to say he loves you, cause you just gave him shit...not true, he said those words to me after I gave him shit, and to be honest, if he was an ass wipe, would be easy for him to shut me  down right there and then and tell me he doesn't care.  

I learned a lot last night, about myself and about V.  I learned that we were both scared, and that everything is not what it seems, that guys have wounds just like girls..and that if you talk things through instead of ignoring them or running, love will find you worthy and directs your course.   Love found us both worthy...and has set us upon our course....together.  

                                                         Photo from: Dreamstime.com



xoxo
BT&HB 

Finding The Key...That Fits Your Lock.

"There are millions of men and women, and each one is unique. Some will make a good match for you, and some won't make a good match at all.  You can love everyone; but to deal with a person on an everyday basis, you will need someone more closely aligned to you.  That person doesn't need to be exactly like you; the two of you only need to be like a key in the lock - a match that works."  from the book, The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz

Interesting don't you think?  I am almost done this wonderful book on the art of relationships, and have come away with so much.  In my last post, I was all ready to open my heart to V...but when the time came, the moment wasn't right...but the feelings are there, for both of us, sometimes the unspoken is louder than the spoken.  I will let you know when the "three words, eight letters" are spoken that you can be sure of. 

What does it mean to find the key that fits your lock?  Not the key to your heart, because your heart should always be open,because you should love yourself more than anything...because that enables you to love others. The heart should not be locked, no matter how many times it has been broken, or mended...the more open you are, the more love you will receive. 

I know what I want and I know myself and what I value and I am able to take care of my half of any relationship I have, be it as a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, cousin, girlfriend etc...because I am not looking for someone to save me, work out my problems, do things for me that I can do for myself..I am looking for someone to love me, just the way that I am.  When you love someone like that, and not want to change them...that is finding the key to your lock.  Fitting together like a key and lock, is knowing when to give space, letting the other person be alone or quite when they need to be, even if your full of happiness, holding them or just being there, rocking back and forth on a swing holding hands...just to let them feel you close to them...until their happiness returns. 

I know that in our moments of weakness we become empowered, in moments of darkness, the light appears, in moments of sadness, happiness shines through the light of your love ones eyes...and in a moment when your not looking...the key for your lock...appears.

Everyday, V and I talk about how are days at work or in general were, everyday, I see has much as we are different, we are the same, I respect him, he respects me...I don't have a need to know where he is every second of the day, or be with him every single day...and nor does he with me...because we know that if we do see each other everyday, it is because we are happy and we do it because we want to ...not because we feel we have too. 

Last night I shared the opening quote with V ....as he had his arms around me, I said.." your the key for my lock.." he looked and me, smiled and said..." you have that wrong Amore...you are the lock for my key..."

xoxo
BT&HB