"Feel it, Own it...and then Let it Go."

The above words were spoken by my yoga teacher on Wednesday night.  Thank heavens for Melissa and my fellow yoga mates that night...thank God!

See, Wednesday was not a good day, I ended up in a very dark place in my mind from my past..which just sucked me in faster than you can suck..well, anything. I am going to try to explain this the best way I can. 

7 years ago I dated someone who from the beginning I should have stayed away from, who from the first time he left me outside in -28 degree weather with no ride ( yes, I was that stupid)..should have according to my sister ran for the hills and not come out, or until my father showed up on his bike with a shot gun..hahaha and speak of the devil was driving beside me last night..this city is way too small.  Don't get me wrong, we had good times, but mostly at the expense of my own happiness, it was always about what would make him happy and not me.  He was a tortured soul, with problems of his own, and I was not so happy with myself either..so anyway he would show me love..I would take it. I would let all the bad things take the back seat and let that little one nice thing he do last for weeks.  I am not proud of the person I was when I was with him, everyone, I mean everyone..told me I was a different person with him and around him..almost afraid, scared.  Don't get me started on the fights..those where the worst, according to him I was the reason he drank, smoked, and didn't like his job.  I was never pretty enough, skinny enough or smart enough for him and is douche-bag Woodbridge friends ( even though some of them saved me from him many times - I thank you FM and RR..you two are the best friends any one could ask for).

Why did I stay? Because in part I believe I didn't deserve better.  I know that I deserve so much more, not only from a man, but from myself.  I know I am smart, strong ( because the day I reached my limit, I told him we talk or it is over, he said...it is about what he wants and what he say..if I don't like it, pick a door and use it...and I did, never ,ever looking back).  I guess where I am going with this is because V said something in passing and as a joke on Tuesday night..that just sat the wrong way with me.  I was so messed up and so sad on Wednesday I could do nothing to stop the feeling of bursting into tears at the drop of a hat or the thought of the comment.  That is where Melissa struck a vein. She told us that when something triggers a traumatic memory in us, don't bury it...feel it, own it and then let it go.  When we bury things, they will always come back and hunt us or bite us in the ass..one or the other, unless we face them, and deal with the root of them..we will never be free. 

I chose that night to feel that horrible feeling of being used and useless that night...I inhaled all the pain, and exhaled all the hurt, shame, and guilt I have felt for so long because I stayed with F and because of how I didn't respect myself enough to tell him to go to hell where he belongs. It is not over, I know there are things that I need to face and work through, I know that I love me more than I did 7 years ago, I know that when V asked me the first time about the scar on my back that I turned away and couldn't tell him..but I will have to one day. I did tell V about how that relationship is why I am so guarded with my feelings and how I react to things that are said and done...because we carry the bags from our last relationships ..even though in the new one..it never means the same as it did in the old one...just like your new jeans never fit the same as your old ones...know what I mean?

As I meditated that night...I cried, I cried and had the support of all the wonderful people in my class, they didn't ask questions or judge..they just sat there with me and gave me support..it was  a long time coming , but I knew that is why I wanted to study yoga...because it in part has helped me heal from wounds that I have keep hidden from everyone.  They allowed me a safe place to cry, and heal...and haven that I wish I would have found years ago, better late than never.

With that...I broke open, allowed the pain to come to the surface, I felt it, I owned it ....and finally....I let it go.

xoxo
BT&HB