I broke today...like open, a flood gate of tears could not stop rolling off my cheeks today. I could barely make it through the day and my tummy just wasn't happy. What happened? I admitted something that I was pretending was okay, I changed my thoughts and felt that everything would be okay, I took advice and said, that is their problem not mine...but I had to finally admit, that no matter how much I pretended, or tried, I am not happy with my work.
People say that work is just work, and for me that is how I have been viewing it for awhile now, until it hit me that for the last four years my health has been up and down so much, that the main factor was my work, more my manager than my actual job, I enjoy the work I do, but being constantly criticized and when I stick up for myself I am asked by my manager ..." what is with this fuck you attitude??" ( I kid you not, these words came out of the mouth of someone who is in charge of a national payroll department). I don't feel like part of the team, I am treated like an employee, none of my ideas are taken seriously, and I am constantly being held back, the game ends here...it is time for change.
I have brushed off my resume months ago and have been sending it around to different places, I have skill, smarts, am a fast learner, and to be honest, if she hadn't branded me I could have been far more ahead than I am. I have taught myself a lot of things due to her lack of direction or time, she is always busy, or otherwise engaged in training yet another coordinator ( 4 in the last 4 years) and seems like number 4 is on her way out as well. This time, she will not make me feel like she could not have made it without me while it is only the two of us, until the next one shows up. I am not going to be around when the storm happens again, I got caught in that storm enough times to know, that doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to be different, is insanity.
I finally realized that the reason why I feel sick once or twice a week is because of the toxic environment that I work in. I don't want her approval, I just want to be treated as the smart and hard working woman I am. I came to see that she keeps me where I am, because she doesn't have a backbone, she keeps me an arm length from the director and constantly,constantly talks about everyone in our department, until one day I said to her..."wow, if that is what you say about H, I wonder what you say about me??" to that, she had no answer.
Something just tells me she is intimidated by me. Something tells me that she is an ugly person would will act all concerned and when you spill your guts, she uses it as ammunition later, I don't hate her, I pray for her. I pray that she sees she is a child of God, I pray that she stops treating everyone in her life like they don't know any better and that her way is always right, I pray, pray that one day, just for one day, she will stop her curses at me and see, that I wanted so badly to make her proud in the beginning, until I realized, I could never make her happy, nor anything I do good enough for her. It is a battle that I won't win, and I respect myself to much to keep playing.
So, I have changed my game, for today, I was defeated, but...not out. I have a full army of angels and all the saints in heaven behind me, I have my family, my friends, my teacher, my health, and most importantly, my soul and faith. My soul is open, and my faith is never ending...until the day I leave this planet ...I promised myself, step by step, no matter how small...I will never give up, and my life will never again be controlled by the words or actions of another, or the words of my ego.
Time to lace up the shoes and hit the ground, the fog has lifted, and God puts us through the fog for a reason, we just have to be strong enough and have enough faith and light to walk through it...even when you can't take another step, or your light goes out...God will send from heaven, your angels, to gently pick you up, and once again light your way, so you can see the green pastures at the end of the fog.
XOXO
BT&HB
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Monday, June 25, 2012
How Fair Are You?
Fair- if a situation is fair, everybody is treated equally and in a reasonable way.
Life is not always fair
Everyone has a right to a fair trial
Free and fair elections.
It is no fair to someone: "it wouldn't be fair to the others if she is paid more." -Online dictionary.
How fair are you to the people in your life? Do you treat everyone the same or some better than others? I pondered this question not only about how I treat people...but how fair they treat me.
I have carried this burden and anger for many years, from my parents, to my friends, to teachers , to boyfriends and bosses, only for a bright light to shine on this feeling of anger this weekend.
I guess you could say I had an "ah" moment. It was a beautiful feeling of warmth and calm that came over me while I was reflecting and healing...I realized, that everyone treats me different, because I am, I am stronger and more able to handle things than all the people I feel are being treated more fairly than I. I realized that by complaining and being angry that I get the short end of the stick all the time, is really me giving them power over my life. I am waiting for their approval to say.." oh, poor thing, of course you can have what they have..". But by wanting what they have, will make me as weak as them. I am not weak, nor have I ever been, even when I was crying and so hurt inside by the un-fairness of things in my life, I never showed it...but it ate away at me, until I said, enough, no one has the power to make you feel like your life is not fair, you give them the power when you become angry at them.
I have always treated people the same, I don't care who you are or what you do, how much money you have or if your position is higher than mine, we are all children of God. The people that like to play with their control over others ( which includes being fair or unfair) haven't realized yet that they are children of God and therefore souls. If you view others as souls and not children of men, your heart opens, you love no matter what and with that will treat everyone the same...with kindness.
Be fair, be honest, be loving, be you and remember:
Everyone can be nice to a person who is nice to them, but it takes a truly great person, to be kind and nice to the ones who have treated them poorly.
xoxo
BT&HB
Life is not always fair
Everyone has a right to a fair trial
Free and fair elections.
It is no fair to someone: "it wouldn't be fair to the others if she is paid more." -Online dictionary.
How fair are you to the people in your life? Do you treat everyone the same or some better than others? I pondered this question not only about how I treat people...but how fair they treat me.
I have carried this burden and anger for many years, from my parents, to my friends, to teachers , to boyfriends and bosses, only for a bright light to shine on this feeling of anger this weekend.
I guess you could say I had an "ah" moment. It was a beautiful feeling of warmth and calm that came over me while I was reflecting and healing...I realized, that everyone treats me different, because I am, I am stronger and more able to handle things than all the people I feel are being treated more fairly than I. I realized that by complaining and being angry that I get the short end of the stick all the time, is really me giving them power over my life. I am waiting for their approval to say.." oh, poor thing, of course you can have what they have..". But by wanting what they have, will make me as weak as them. I am not weak, nor have I ever been, even when I was crying and so hurt inside by the un-fairness of things in my life, I never showed it...but it ate away at me, until I said, enough, no one has the power to make you feel like your life is not fair, you give them the power when you become angry at them.
I have always treated people the same, I don't care who you are or what you do, how much money you have or if your position is higher than mine, we are all children of God. The people that like to play with their control over others ( which includes being fair or unfair) haven't realized yet that they are children of God and therefore souls. If you view others as souls and not children of men, your heart opens, you love no matter what and with that will treat everyone the same...with kindness.
Be fair, be honest, be loving, be you and remember:
Everyone can be nice to a person who is nice to them, but it takes a truly great person, to be kind and nice to the ones who have treated them poorly.
xoxo
BT&HB
Monday, June 18, 2012
In Life, You Always Have A Choice...
"The choice is yours, and everything in life ultimately comes down to choice." - Caroline Myss
Everyone has said at one point in their lives, " I didn't have a choice", yes you did, but maybe you chose wrong. I know I have, but even the wrong choices are made for a reason. I have made many wrong choices in life, things that now I look back on, could have spared me a lot of pain, but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I have said, if I knew then, what I knew now, I would not have done that...but doing it then, made me wiser now.
Some of us feel that we don't have a choice, either because of family, kids, money, job or social group. Some people I know follow the masses, or are afraid to stop running around or take a break from work, because that would mean they have to face themselves. I lived for years on the run, from one job to another, from school, date, club, home and back to work again...only because I was running from myself. I had a choice, I didn't have to work 27/7, I didn't have to go out dancing and drinking every weekend, I didn't need another pair of shoes, I didn't have to go out with every guy that asked me ...but good or bad, I made the choices I did, to make me stronger today.
When we are kids, teenagers, we did have choices ( not many), but at least for me, I tried to make the choices that would make my parents and friends happy or proud. I made choices that I didn't always feel good about, or in my heart I did for others, not myself. But why as an adult would you chose to let someone else make a choice for you? If I can pay taxes, I don't need anyone to tell me what or how I should live my life...that comes from within me, and no one else knows what truly lies inside of my heart...but me.
I came to see, some people don't want to make choices on their own because that would mean if it didn't work out, they have no one to blame but themselves. Mistakes happen, not learning from them and making the same ones over and over - is what causes people to put their lives in the hands of others...who holds your life?
So, I leave you with this thought...
"Love life, even without pleasure, but more importantly, love the pleasure that is life."
xoxo
BT&HB
Everyone has said at one point in their lives, " I didn't have a choice", yes you did, but maybe you chose wrong. I know I have, but even the wrong choices are made for a reason. I have made many wrong choices in life, things that now I look back on, could have spared me a lot of pain, but then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I have said, if I knew then, what I knew now, I would not have done that...but doing it then, made me wiser now.
Some of us feel that we don't have a choice, either because of family, kids, money, job or social group. Some people I know follow the masses, or are afraid to stop running around or take a break from work, because that would mean they have to face themselves. I lived for years on the run, from one job to another, from school, date, club, home and back to work again...only because I was running from myself. I had a choice, I didn't have to work 27/7, I didn't have to go out dancing and drinking every weekend, I didn't need another pair of shoes, I didn't have to go out with every guy that asked me ...but good or bad, I made the choices I did, to make me stronger today.
When we are kids, teenagers, we did have choices ( not many), but at least for me, I tried to make the choices that would make my parents and friends happy or proud. I made choices that I didn't always feel good about, or in my heart I did for others, not myself. But why as an adult would you chose to let someone else make a choice for you? If I can pay taxes, I don't need anyone to tell me what or how I should live my life...that comes from within me, and no one else knows what truly lies inside of my heart...but me.
I came to see, some people don't want to make choices on their own because that would mean if it didn't work out, they have no one to blame but themselves. Mistakes happen, not learning from them and making the same ones over and over - is what causes people to put their lives in the hands of others...who holds your life?
So, I leave you with this thought...
"Love life, even without pleasure, but more importantly, love the pleasure that is life."
xoxo
BT&HB
Monday, June 11, 2012
In Life, We Need Backbones, Not Wishbones.
" The challenges we face in life contain the lessons we are here to learn. Do not withdraw from them, nor attempt to solve them half hearted, but instead, fully embrace them. Accomplishment of a worthy personal goal brings with it more than just the results you were looking for. It also brings the certain knowledge that we can change and create the kind of life we want. In the end, when we examine our lives, it is not so much what we know in our heads that is important , nor even what we do, but what we become." - William Lee Rand
Backbones, we all have them in the physical sense, but how strong is the backbone of your self-esteem? How strong is your self- respect? Mine right now and forever will be -strong, because I stopped looking for wishbones.
We all encounter people everyday, who will make a wish ( wishing is good, but behind the wish, you must take action). Some people wish it will not rain until they get home, that it was Friday instead of Monday, that they were skinnier, prettier, richer etc. But wishing only gets you so far, I know, I use to wish and wish hard that all that I knew in my mind I wanted my life to be, would come without effort on my part, only because I wished it so. But with much guidance, prayer, meditation, healing and motivation from within, I was going about it all wrong, my goal/wish, should have been to have great self-esteem and self-respect. Once I put that in my mind, everything changed. My outlook on myself and others changed, I became more aware of the energy around people, who would effect me in a negative way, and who in a positive way. With each passing day, my backbone got stronger, I no longer wanted to be accepted into an inner circle at work ( one that no matter what I did, they would build me up, only to cut me down), not to listen to the garbage of others, or jump on the gossip bandwagon. I became free - my heart opened and out poured all the love for myself that I was guarding against invaders.
I always wish people well, no matter what they have done or not done to me, each morning my prayer is for guidance and peace, strength and protection. I ask that any negative thoughts, words or actions towards me, be sent back to the person they came from with love and peace, because karma does come back around.
Take a few minutes to reflect on how your backbone is, how much to you wish things would be different, they can be, if you really respect yourself, because once you have chosen empowerment, no one can ever take that from you. Your connection with God, your angels and more importantly with yourself - will become an unbreakable bond, one that no man or woman can every shatter.
My days of looking for the magic wishbone are over, that magical one I was looking for was right were I left it...inside me.
xoxo
BT&HB
Backbones, we all have them in the physical sense, but how strong is the backbone of your self-esteem? How strong is your self- respect? Mine right now and forever will be -strong, because I stopped looking for wishbones.
We all encounter people everyday, who will make a wish ( wishing is good, but behind the wish, you must take action). Some people wish it will not rain until they get home, that it was Friday instead of Monday, that they were skinnier, prettier, richer etc. But wishing only gets you so far, I know, I use to wish and wish hard that all that I knew in my mind I wanted my life to be, would come without effort on my part, only because I wished it so. But with much guidance, prayer, meditation, healing and motivation from within, I was going about it all wrong, my goal/wish, should have been to have great self-esteem and self-respect. Once I put that in my mind, everything changed. My outlook on myself and others changed, I became more aware of the energy around people, who would effect me in a negative way, and who in a positive way. With each passing day, my backbone got stronger, I no longer wanted to be accepted into an inner circle at work ( one that no matter what I did, they would build me up, only to cut me down), not to listen to the garbage of others, or jump on the gossip bandwagon. I became free - my heart opened and out poured all the love for myself that I was guarding against invaders.
I always wish people well, no matter what they have done or not done to me, each morning my prayer is for guidance and peace, strength and protection. I ask that any negative thoughts, words or actions towards me, be sent back to the person they came from with love and peace, because karma does come back around.
Take a few minutes to reflect on how your backbone is, how much to you wish things would be different, they can be, if you really respect yourself, because once you have chosen empowerment, no one can ever take that from you. Your connection with God, your angels and more importantly with yourself - will become an unbreakable bond, one that no man or woman can every shatter.
My days of looking for the magic wishbone are over, that magical one I was looking for was right were I left it...inside me.
xoxo
BT&HB
Thursday, June 7, 2012
The Power of Colour
"Sound, light, and color are all interconnected at the source..."
What is your favorite colour? Everyone gets asked that question. I use to reply, "black" they would laugh and say, that is not a color, no, I would say...but if you mix it with others, you get a colour, so I like to be the base that grounds a colour...little did I know what wearing so much black was doing to me and my outlook on life.
It dawned on me, when I realized that I wore black from head to toe, socks, shoes, bra, underpants you name it...even my eyeshadow was the darkest shade of grey I could find,until a dear friend of mine, asked me to try to wear more colour. I can't tell you what a struggle that was the next morning! I did own color, I would buy things and wear them once and not wear them again, I think I could supply clothes for a small town with everything I own. She told me that wearing colour would lift my spirits, make me smile and make others notice me in a good way, not as the dark cloud or grieving person I became known as. So, with that, I started on my colour journey, even as I sit here, I am wearing colour, not for fashion, but for my soul and spirit. Wearing colour has given me light, self-esteem, confidence, and happiness above all. So, since I have found a healing quality to colour, below are some color meanings:
Violet: calming for the body and mind
Indigo: Dreams, helps to open our intuition
Blue: calming. relaxing
Green: Balancing, unconditional love ( bet you didn't know that green, not red is the colour of love)
Yellow: stimulates mental activity, feeling of confidence
Orange: warming and energizing
Red: Energizing, stimulates appetite, grounding
Magenta: Playful, balancing spirit and matter
Turquoise: cool & calming, good for artists
Pink: soothes and nurtures, helps dissolve anger
White: giving protection, divine connection to the body
Black: absorbs, letting all energies come in
All the black I use to wear was absorbing all the negative energies, emotions and problems of others, but most importantly, keep mine stuck when my soul and body were shaking for release, the release of sadness, so I could become happy. I have learned that colour, can change your life, I use to say I hated blue ( blue jeans fine, but any other blue..didn't like it) now it is the colour I love most - because for me, blue is healing, blue is protection, blue is the colour of the sky for me even when it is cloudy, because colour made me find my creative side again, I buried that girl so long ago, but she tapped me on the shoulder a couple of weeks after I swore off black...I could sense and hear her say ..."it is beautiful on this side of the rainbow isn't it?? Welcome back my love."
God didn't make our world dark, there is colour in everything he created, even ourselves, he is just waiting for us to find the one that makes us shine. He didn't want us to be swallowed by darkness, so why would we chose to at our own will. What colour are you?
Photo : Color Me Divine
xoxo
BT&HB
What is your favorite colour? Everyone gets asked that question. I use to reply, "black" they would laugh and say, that is not a color, no, I would say...but if you mix it with others, you get a colour, so I like to be the base that grounds a colour...little did I know what wearing so much black was doing to me and my outlook on life.
It dawned on me, when I realized that I wore black from head to toe, socks, shoes, bra, underpants you name it...even my eyeshadow was the darkest shade of grey I could find,until a dear friend of mine, asked me to try to wear more colour. I can't tell you what a struggle that was the next morning! I did own color, I would buy things and wear them once and not wear them again, I think I could supply clothes for a small town with everything I own. She told me that wearing colour would lift my spirits, make me smile and make others notice me in a good way, not as the dark cloud or grieving person I became known as. So, with that, I started on my colour journey, even as I sit here, I am wearing colour, not for fashion, but for my soul and spirit. Wearing colour has given me light, self-esteem, confidence, and happiness above all. So, since I have found a healing quality to colour, below are some color meanings:
Violet: calming for the body and mind
Indigo: Dreams, helps to open our intuition
Blue: calming. relaxing
Green: Balancing, unconditional love ( bet you didn't know that green, not red is the colour of love)
Yellow: stimulates mental activity, feeling of confidence
Orange: warming and energizing
Red: Energizing, stimulates appetite, grounding
Magenta: Playful, balancing spirit and matter
Turquoise: cool & calming, good for artists
Pink: soothes and nurtures, helps dissolve anger
White: giving protection, divine connection to the body
Black: absorbs, letting all energies come in
All the black I use to wear was absorbing all the negative energies, emotions and problems of others, but most importantly, keep mine stuck when my soul and body were shaking for release, the release of sadness, so I could become happy. I have learned that colour, can change your life, I use to say I hated blue ( blue jeans fine, but any other blue..didn't like it) now it is the colour I love most - because for me, blue is healing, blue is protection, blue is the colour of the sky for me even when it is cloudy, because colour made me find my creative side again, I buried that girl so long ago, but she tapped me on the shoulder a couple of weeks after I swore off black...I could sense and hear her say ..."it is beautiful on this side of the rainbow isn't it?? Welcome back my love."
God didn't make our world dark, there is colour in everything he created, even ourselves, he is just waiting for us to find the one that makes us shine. He didn't want us to be swallowed by darkness, so why would we chose to at our own will. What colour are you?
xoxo
BT&HB
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