You came into my mind last night, and even though we parted ways almost 8 years ago, it was this month that year that we started to come undone. We didn't have a great relationship, it was filled with so many things that were wrong, but so many things that were right.
Last night I finally understood. I understood that for all these years I thought I mourned us and you. But I didn't, I was pretending that I was okay, that I didn't care for you anymore and that what you did to me, to us; gave me a reason to hate you and shut you out of my mind and heart. That is what has been holding me back, that is what has made me feel that I don't deserve the love and respect of a good man or from myself.
You broke me in so many ways, but you also loved me. I finally was able to say it with my heart ...I love you and I miss you. I forgive you and I forgive myself, because I was responsible for a lot that was wrong in your time together.
I know you will never read this and that we might never meet again on this earth. I have no idea if you over came your demons, if you found happiness, if you found love. All I know is, all the years I spent convincing myself that I didn't love you, I hated you for what you did, I was over you, and I didn't care - the opposite was true. Admitting that and crying for it ...helped me let it go.
I remember the last time we spoke, and you were trying so hard to hold on to me by making me jealous, but I said to you...
" I love you, and always will, and one day when I get to heaven, your face will be the one that I will look for."
I mean it...and I know in my heart ...that love never gets used up, just passed on.
I never thanked you Francesco for being a part of my life, and for giving me the chance to admit that even though you were a demon in the eyes of many ...despite everything...all I see and remember, is the smile on your face when we would wake up beside one another.
xoxo
BT&HB
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