Let me give you a little back ground information, I work for a national law firm and have been working under the same woman for the last 5 years. Every year and a half, we seem to lose our coordinator, either due to them leaving for something better, babies, better pay, hours etc, the lasted one is leaving us ( or might not be leaving us) sometime around the end of this year. She according to my manager is the " most smartest, amazing and professional coordinator I have ever had"..so you like to think, if only she knew what she does on the other side of that partition wall - she would sing a different tune. My current co-worker, leaving/might be leaving due to her husband's work, no word yet, and everything is at a stand still until she tells us that she is either staying or leaving, not fair if you ask me...cause she has only been with us for a year and a bit.
So, I went to my manager to inquire about something she needed to discuss with the director of our department ( which for the second time now, she answered...I have no idea). I asked her about our coordinator's situation, because honestly, how many times do I and she have to go through this?? She said that thinking about having to start all over again, training, me getting to know them ( WTF?) it gives her pains. I explained to her that she doesn't have to worry about me getting use to them, they have to get use to me...I was and still am here first after all. Then I said to her, well, honestly, I think that you should train me for the position. She stared at me for a second and launched into how I lack the schooling ( not true, have take two sections that is required), how that was the plan from the beginning but it " didn't quite work out that way", ( at this I was shocked, what in the name of God's green earth was she talking about???) no one told me that is what they had planned, they had told me they wanted to train me as back up, but not to have that job, as we always had a coordinator..I said, well, since we knew a good 6 months in advance, we could start now...at that she said, " do you feel that you are ready for that job??" I said yes and no, but I am able to do much more than what I am doing.
It dawned on me right at that second, I always hoped that she had faith in me and that she gave me more credit that what I heard or saw...and in that moment, everything became clear, she doesn't trust me, or think me smart enough, or worthy of the job. She sees me as the picture she painted..and that made me want to laugh at her...because at that second, she gave me the power I needed to take the next step. I have been sending out my resume and so far only one call...but I wasn't putting in the 110% that my Scorpio self is know to do. I am free, I know now how she feels about me and I was totally shot down, and it didn't make me angry at all - because that is what I needed to hear, a confirmation that the little ego voice in my head saying..." just stick around, she values your work, she knows your smart..everything will come in time.." well, I am now more than ever motivated to move forward, grab the bull by the horns, and when the next storm hits my department, I am not going to be the one shielding her from the winds...this time, your on your own.
I have managed people before, many more than she has, but during the course of our conversation, she keep saying, " you can have my job, or find another one if your bored.." she is so bipolar I don't care to try to understand her anymore...it just makes my brain hurt, I would never shoot down someone the way she did me, considering through all 5 coordinators, I am the only constant...nothing will change until she does, until she gives up being so controlling and so unbending, she has to trust, let go and allow us to grow...and anything she says, doesn't hold ground with me anymore, nor do I believe her...because I can see right through her...and she is scared and fed up ( I would be too if I was her..) but she made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
What am I happy about? Well, for one thing...I saw how smart and hard working I truly am, how much influence I have over my own life, how the key to happiness at work is in my hand, and I am ready to put the key in the lock and open that door, how she can no longer gut me, or make me feel less of myself, how she doesn't have a backbone and how foolish I have been..but during that time, I needed to be foolish...because otherwise I would have made the same mistake again and never learned my self-worth .
I think of the future, do I want to stay as I am, or do I want a ride to fame and fortune with happiness and health following me on my travels throughout this adventure called life? For those of you with me on this journey...hope you have a helmet & buckle up...because I am moving full speed ahead.
BT&HB
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