The Battle

"Who chains you? Who holds the key to set you free? It's you - you have all the weapons you need, now fight."


Battles, they say we can pick and chose our battles, some you have no choice to fight, because they are given to you for a reason, what if you can't see or don't want to see the reason?  What if you doubt you have the ability to fight this battle? That is what I feel right now, at this second.

Friday I felt sick to my stomach.  Most of it was due to mixing the wrong food on an empty stomach.  Let me tell you, I thought I was dying, the energy in me was on fire, I could not stand or lie down...it was the hardest 7 hours of my life...but there was a lesson, because today, I still feel weak and gutted.  What battle am I fighting? And do I have the right weapons to fight it?

The battle that is raging inside of me has me tired, depleted, down, sad, lost for words and no thought of  how to get out of this battle field.  Part of me knows that the major reason why I still feel the physical symptoms of the stomach pain, is because I have to act on what I feel.  I am holding back from moving forward, I doubt and fear moving forward.  I have come a long way, but the one thing that is keeping me from letting my light fully shine out to everyone and help, not only myself, both others...is me. 

I am scared, scared that what if what I am attempting to change backfires? What if it takes me 20 years like it took me to reach the point I am at now? These are ego fears and I know that, but there is something sitting in my solar plexus waiting to come out.  I meditated this morning and asked God and the universe to take this fear and doubt, and heal me, heal me of the self-sabotage, and all the poison I have heard from others, and the poison I placed in my own body. I had cold chills while my hands were burning, I was crying, felt weight on my chest and stomach...but most of all, I felt overcome by tears, because I am the cause of these feelings, and I don't know how to get out of it.

The battle has begun,  my cross is around my neck, my prayers are for guidance, healing and strength and my weapons are loaded. I will bring to battle all that I have learned about myself, all that I have faith in, and know that the only person I will ever surrender to is God. He has given me everything I need, now it is up to me to fight.

XOXO
BT&HB