I broke today...like open, a flood gate of tears could not stop rolling off my cheeks today. I could barely make it through the day and my tummy just wasn't happy. What happened? I admitted something that I was pretending was okay, I changed my thoughts and felt that everything would be okay, I took advice and said, that is their problem not mine...but I had to finally admit, that no matter how much I pretended, or tried, I am not happy with my work.
People say that work is just work, and for me that is how I have been viewing it for awhile now, until it hit me that for the last four years my health has been up and down so much, that the main factor was my work, more my manager than my actual job, I enjoy the work I do, but being constantly criticized and when I stick up for myself I am asked by my manager ..." what is with this fuck you attitude??" ( I kid you not, these words came out of the mouth of someone who is in charge of a national payroll department). I don't feel like part of the team, I am treated like an employee, none of my ideas are taken seriously, and I am constantly being held back, the game ends here...it is time for change.
I have brushed off my resume months ago and have been sending it around to different places, I have skill, smarts, am a fast learner, and to be honest, if she hadn't branded me I could have been far more ahead than I am. I have taught myself a lot of things due to her lack of direction or time, she is always busy, or otherwise engaged in training yet another coordinator ( 4 in the last 4 years) and seems like number 4 is on her way out as well. This time, she will not make me feel like she could not have made it without me while it is only the two of us, until the next one shows up. I am not going to be around when the storm happens again, I got caught in that storm enough times to know, that doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to be different, is insanity.
I finally realized that the reason why I feel sick once or twice a week is because of the toxic environment that I work in. I don't want her approval, I just want to be treated as the smart and hard working woman I am. I came to see that she keeps me where I am, because she doesn't have a backbone, she keeps me an arm length from the director and constantly,constantly talks about everyone in our department, until one day I said to her..."wow, if that is what you say about H, I wonder what you say about me??" to that, she had no answer.
Something just tells me she is intimidated by me. Something tells me that she is an ugly person would will act all concerned and when you spill your guts, she uses it as ammunition later, I don't hate her, I pray for her. I pray that she sees she is a child of God, I pray that she stops treating everyone in her life like they don't know any better and that her way is always right, I pray, pray that one day, just for one day, she will stop her curses at me and see, that I wanted so badly to make her proud in the beginning, until I realized, I could never make her happy, nor anything I do good enough for her. It is a battle that I won't win, and I respect myself to much to keep playing.
So, I have changed my game, for today, I was defeated, but...not out. I have a full army of angels and all the saints in heaven behind me, I have my family, my friends, my teacher, my health, and most importantly, my soul and faith. My soul is open, and my faith is never ending...until the day I leave this planet ...I promised myself, step by step, no matter how small...I will never give up, and my life will never again be controlled by the words or actions of another, or the words of my ego.
Time to lace up the shoes and hit the ground, the fog has lifted, and God puts us through the fog for a reason, we just have to be strong enough and have enough faith and light to walk through it...even when you can't take another step, or your light goes out...God will send from heaven, your angels, to gently pick you up, and once again light your way, so you can see the green pastures at the end of the fog.
XOXO
BT&HB
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